Fun and games with writing

I've always felt like I should save my writing work for some exciting and mythical day when I become a published writer and make some money out of it. The reality is, I don't want to be a professional writer- not really.

I would love to share my work with the world and get feedback from people and talk about my art. Getting paid would be nice (super nice), but actually writing isn't what I want to do with my life. That feels liberating, and I am excited to see what I can make of my talents.

With that in mind, and in the spirit of getting maximum joy out of my life, I will be sharing a lot more of my writing with the world in general. And I would love feedback! Hopefully good, but if you want to criticise please be cooooool!

I'll start popping a few varied bits and bobs on this blog. So if you like what you see give me a shout and I will probably be encouraged to write more of that ;)

With love, my friends xxx

Covid Monologues: Tess

Covid Monologues

Tess

Yes! Of course I will! Oh Ed... this is the best thing that's happened to me all year. My whole life. I mean, 2020 kind of sucks but this...! My mum is going to scream! No... in a good way. But, yeah, calm down Tess, let's just enjoy this moment for now. Wow, I feel on top of the moon!

And I know it's not just because of Covid, I know this goes beyond some stupid virus, beyond fear or loneliness. I mean, it just makes sense... doesn't it? This was inevitable... unstoppable... written, in the stars... [she reflects a moment on the poetry, sighs] Not that I'm saying we're, like going to get married, or engaged or anything... I mean [nervous laugh]. It's a big step though, living together. Just wow... [she gives an excited squeak] saying it out loud! Because now I know that you see 'us' the same way I do. I did think about asking you actually, because obviously I'm quite feminist, so it doesn't always have to be the man that asks. But it's just so romantic this way. I can't wait to tell my parents, tell my friends.

Do you think we're going to be, like, an Aldi couple or an M&S couple? No I mean, look, some people are just M&S material and some people are Aldi material, isn't it? Like, my mum and dad, M&S obviously, and they can afford that because they work out exactly what they need and have a list. And also my mum's like, really particular about organic fruit and veg, and you know M&S have these partnerships with farmers so you can even trace your steak back to the specific cow it came from- it's so responsible and forward-thinking. [Imitating her parents] Well Florence, would you be interested in a little Bessie tonight? Oh Henry, I think I'd prefer Bluebell if you don't mind terribly. [Chuckles internally at her joke] It's all about choices isn't it? You make your cake, and eat it. And then your mum really likes Aldi, because... no she does though doesn't she? Remember when we were there at Christmas and she was telling me about the leberkuchen? [Imitating her mother-in-law] Look Tess, Christmas ain't Christmas without a big plate of leberkuchen, you ask my Ed. And Aldi was the first place you could get 'em, they're European, y'know? [back to herself] Like, have you ever done a big shop at Aldi, and you fill up your whole trolley and then you get to the till, you know, when you have to just chuck it all back in the trolley for dear life because they just zoom it all through and you're not supposed to put it in the bags until afterwards? And then the till girl is like 'That's £35 please.' while you're still up to your elbows in fake kitkats? Doesn't matter what you get, it's always £35. So that's the difference; it's not really about the food, it's the person. [Remembers] I mean, the couple.

I haven't lived with someone since... no Ed don't be like that. He was a big part of my life. Back then. Yes, I know he wasn't good enough for me. And I probably shouldn't have stayed so long. I bit off more than I could swallow. Thank God I was good with birth control though, can you imagine raising his... [beat] Sorry. He was sweet though, when you got to know him. In between his... episodes... you know. I really wanted a baby back then. But you can't bring a child into a situation like that, I mean, it was hard enough protecting my 25 year old self from a 200 pound 'angry hulk'. But a baby? [whistles] I was lucky. And I'm not saying I still want kids. Don't worry. [nervous laugh] I've definitely got a lot of work to do on my self development before I'm ready for that. I wonder what he's up to now.

Can you believe this though? We're going to see each other all day, every day! I'm so excited! I won't have to get up at the clock of dawn to catch the early bus across town to work. You won't have to wrestle with my hair straighteners in the morning to plug in your razor. You can have your own plug socket now! I can sort you some drawers too, I've got too many clothes anyway. Not much hanging space, but we can burn that bridge when we cross it. Are you going to bring your little wardrobe from... [beat] what? Babe, that doesn't... you can't be serious? This place is at least twice as big. And you're not going to be at work anyway so why does that matter? [beat] You've got to be kidding me. I hardly think operating a till in Sainsbury's is considered 'essential work'! Besides, it's only half an hour on the bus, you could go on my bike actually. Oh come on, it takes me an hour to get to the office from your place. I can't believe this. I can't believe you expect me to live in a one-bed in an area like that. You do realise we aren't going to be able to leave the flat? They're saying this lockdown could be 2 months! Just the two of us, in a shoebox like that?

Anyway, I'm on to you. I know this whole moving-in thing is just about the sex. Oh you know exactly what I mean! If we don't move in together, then it's 2 months we won't see each other, that's... [challenged] well I bet you've already counted the number of days you risk not getting some. You slut. That's all I am to you, is it? Just some 'body' for you to own, drag me by my hair to your cave and lock me down there, so you can [starting to enjoy this fantasy] have your wicked way with me any time you get bored, or... whatever. I probably won't even need to bring clothes will I? Which is a good thing because they wouldn't FIT in your poky bedsit! [working herself up] Oh how many of the drawers can I have babe? [imitating him] Just the top drawer, plenty of space for lingere. [back to herself, furious] Do they sell lingere in ALDI? [beat] Maybe you should ask your MUM!

This is the problem, Ed, with thinking with your dick instead of your head. And now, the cat's out of the barn. You can't shut the door now. You've asked, so now, either we move in together or we break up. [menacing] If you think you can slink out of this one you have another think coming.

[Softening and slowing gradually] You are the love of my life Ed, truly. No one has ever shown me the kind of respect you have. I thought you saw me as an equal, not as some possession. I thought we were soul mates, really I did. The thought of living with you, it made me feel braver, stronger, made me feel... like I had the map. Like all these people were scrambling for some understanding of our world turning upside down, and then you said one question, and... suddenly I could see the way. And first I thought, why me? I have no right to feel safe, I belong in the lonely muddle and mayhem, that's all I deserve. But then, I looked through your eyes, just for a second, and when I saw... I took that map, with both hands and eyes wide open for the first time in my life.

But [blinking her way out of the dream] this... you don't have a leg to stand for this Ed. Maybe... maybe you should give some thought to what you actually, really want.

Home schooling, crisis schooling, whatever

14/05/2020

Because of the Covid-19 lockdown, my kids have been out of school for 8 weeks now. Well, it's been exactly 8 weeks for Ben, as he finished a little early because he was licking everything in defiance of the new hand washing routine! He was licking tables, walls, pencils, attempting to lick members of staff- it would be hilarious if it wasn't so dangerous.

So I had him home a few days while Amelia was still in school and she was furious! My friend who picks her up for me 3 days a week so I can be on time for Ben, had had to be relieved from duty because being in the playground just wasn't safe for her with her own health concerns. So a lot of change. Then on the Friday schools closed for all children, except for those whose parents are both key workers. So if someone has a non-keyworker job they are expected to work from home and have their kids with them.

All well and good and reasonably fair? Well, kind of. Except for a few inconvenient facts. These are just the ones that occur to me right now, it's by no means a full list:

• All the parents that are not key workers are also not teachers (otherwise, y'know, they'd be key workers). So we now have untrained people trying to teach. It's hard and I dislike it (even when it's not hard)
• Most parents have other responsibilities and aspirations than home schooling their kids, e.g. work, study, life goals, well being needs, church responsibilities, care for family members, running a household
• Kids are not allowed in supermarkets, in fact with varying degrees of enforcement your shopping trips are one person per household. And they take forever because you have to queue to get in, queue around a one way system, and queue for a till. So in a household where one or both adults are key workers, and they are still working outside of the home, it's a tightrope act trying to get food into your home
• My kids and I are going through a period of anxiety, uncertainty, massive change, stifling of most desires, and isolation from our normal support and friendship networks. These kids are in no fit state to learn most days
• There are hundreds of thousands of children who have severe special needs, and I for one have very little idea how to provide the specialist teaching and therapies that my son needs. And there is very little support available, Ben really isn't getting any support other than a pack of  maths worksheets each week, and one Zoom call with his whole class that he hasn't been able to participate in so far for various reasons.
• This is a time where you can't just ring most places and set up appointments, solutions, fixes, advice etc. If you need something and you can't work it out or get it yourself, you're going to go through a LOT of hassle, answer machine messages, emails and maybes before you get to the bottom of it. And add to that two small persons who need your attention all day, and you're basically screwed- nothing is getting sorted.
• My house is a mess- I tidy up, kids happen immediately, repeat.
• We can't go anywhere- can't see friends, can't visit anywhere at all, playgrounds are closed even, you're allowed out once a day to exercise, and not allowed to drive somewhere to do that.

Lockdown and social fear

We are now going into our 9th week since schools closed. The mandated lockdown came a few days later, but with two autistic children the close of school was when lockdown started for us, in practical terms. I remember the day before schools closed (it was a Thursday) and Ben was already home because his behaviour was causing a health and safety risk. So of course I had to take him with me to bring Amelia to school, and on the way back we crossed paths with friend-couple. I can vividly remember the conversation, explaining why he wasn't in school, what he had been up to, making it into a funny story so they would laugh and not feel bad for us. And I can vividly remember standing uncomfortably far apart. Probably more than 2 metres actually. I remember being afraid, not wanting to get to close, not wanting to share air. I remember Ben going off ahead while I was talking and feeling terrified that he would get too close to someone, so I finished the conversation quickly and ran after him.

And this was before lockdown even started! I was in the playground twice a day still. The level of  my anxiety has fluctuated, but it hasn't ever dipped lower than that day: 9 WEEKS AGO. I am, and many many people are, in a perpetual state of vigilance, and kind of alarm. And shock. I think I feel this at home too, not just outdoors, and that doesn't make sense, but just happens automatically.

I just wonder what the long term impact is going to be of all this stress. Many are putting on brave faces now, refusing to hear any negativity, some actively shutting it down, almost competing subconsciously to see who can stay the most positive and learn the most lessons from lockdown. But when the dust all settles, and people start to feel the feelings they have been hiding from, how will the anxiety, the solitude, and the boredom affect us medium term and long term?

What if there isn't actually a 'meaning' and we all just have to face that. That it's just the result of living in an imperfect world, and we have lost hundred of thousands of lives for no reason. That our grief isn't beautiful or meaningful, it's just painful. That our sacrifices actually were reluctant, and weren't gratefully received (by government, or by at-risk group from what I've been hearing) either. And worst of all, that we tried so hard and hurt ourselves mentally or emotionally trying to isolate, and then we just couldn't keep it going long enough to save life.

This is the rabbit hole of my social fear! Not much has changed for me since Johnson relaxed the lockdown on Tuesday, because from the way he was speaking it didn't sound to me like things are safer now, it sounded more like he knew people were getting bored and poor. And I got the impression that was the reason why work was being encouraged to restart and schools to reopen within a couple of weeks. And that gave me no comfort or confidence at all.

Lockdown projects

We are in a very odd time in history at the moment. A huge proportion of the developed world is in a self-isolating lockdown because of a global pandemic. There is a new Corona virus called Covid-19 which is spreading like wildfire, so we have been legally required to remain home for 7 weeks now. People can't work outside the home unless they are key workers, and you are not allowed to meet people outside your household. Parks and playgrounds have been closed, all leisure facilities and restaurants have had mandatory closing, school has been closed for almost 8 weeks (they have remained as a childcare facility for children who do not have a parent who is not a key worker. Mother's Day and Easter have come and gone without being able to see family. It's just been bizarre.

There was this assumption at the beginning that we were all going to have so much more free time. That really doesn't happen when you have children! Especially as D is a key worker and has still been in the office. But it's very fashionable at the moment to have a list of new hobbies you've been working on during lockdown. So here's mine:

• Catching up on Covid-19 news during breakfast but pretending I'm checking out today's school assignments. Amelia's school send the lesson materials to an app on my phone, so this works great. (I can't let Amelia know if I'm checking the news because she wants to hear details, but to be honest it's pretty bleak and sometimes grisly, so I have to carefully choose what and when I tell her)
• Finding creative ways to go to the loo alone. These include setting the kids up with snacks, casually leaving the catnip spray on the table, and waiting until they are both out the front on their scooters. There is ALWAYS an Amazon/Royal Mail delivery.
• A rather halfhearted plan to watch all the Marvel films in chronological order, since we now have Disney+. This idea lasted all of 30 seconds.

Ok here's the genuine list:

• Getting to a decent stage of piano playing. I got a couple of new music books for Christmas which are both showtunes, so that's been a fab incentive.
• Getting back into writing. I actually entered a poetry competition for the first time since high school.
• I crocheted a uni-kitty for Amelia. And haven't felt any desire to pick up a hook since!
• I have a little journalism project on the go about people's responses to the lockdown. It started as an idea for the key workers, since we have so many people classed as key workers who have been carrying on in harm's way while a lot of people have been paid to be home off work. I don't think we as a society realise how many people have been keeping our lives going.
• I've done a bit more reading, read a great sci-fi novel by Blake Crouch called Incursion. It really captured me and showed me what a writer can do if you just go for it, no lingering or fussing.
• A few theatre companies have been publishing shows and plays on youtube for people to watch for free during lockdown. Most notably the National Theatre and Andrew Lloyd Webber. This has been fun and a very positive social experience for me as I've been able to talk to people about theatre who I have never been to a show with.

A voice

Give me a shout if you read this post.

It's been literally years and I feel like I need to put something out to the world. I have changed, and I have things to say :) I'm just wondering, after all this time, if this is a place where anyone is still listening??

Early morning motherhood

I'm never quite sure whether I love or hate this time of day. You know when the kids wake up too early and you have to get up and deal with one or both of them, and it's dark outside and the house is quiet. It's so still and peaceful, and kind of blissful, but at the same time I'd so much rather be in bed!

Amelia regularly wakes up at 5 or before. We've tried a lot of ways to get her to sleep longer or stay in bed later, none of them have worked, but that's not the point of this post. She's always been a very clingy mummy's girl, which means that I don't really have any choice but to be the one who gets up with her, unless I want to lie in bed listening to her howl until Ben gets woken up, and when that happens no one is happy, instead of it just being me who is unhappy! I'm still breast feeding her, so milk is a huge issue for her too.

So that first half hour, where we are cuddled up on the sofa (hopefully I've remembered to grab my dressing gown so in not shivering); I really believe I will miss that time when it is gone. The best mornings are actually when Ben wakes up early too (naturally though, not when he's disturbed by Amelia screaming!) and he snuggles into my other arm, and we just sit there, comfy and complete. He seems to understand that that nursing time is sacred, quiet and restful. In those times I reflect on how wonderful these stunning little spirits, with their adorable bodies, really are, and how great my influence and my responsibility is. I hold the future in my arms, and all they want, everything in the world to them at that moment, is to feel my touch and receive nourishment from me, both physically and emotionally.

I don't think I will ever be able to appreciate enough how these children belong to me, how important I am to them. In moments like this one I am their whole entire universe. They don't sit there thinking about how they wish they had brought their phone down so they had something to occupy their minds- I occupy their thoughts, wishes and reality. They don't sit stressing about the day to come, with all the dressing, driving and discipline to be endured- I am their schedule. They don't wish they were still in bed or wish that Daddy was down here too- this is all they want.

For me, it's a rude awakening and a time I struggle to stay awake and stay kind; for them it's a buffer between sleep and a world that can be overwhelming and terrifying. I'm their buffer.

It won't last forever, and that makes me both glad and sad.

Ben is at school!

Ben turned 4 in the middle of August, which meant that it was time for him to start school! He is the youngest in his year group, being an August baby, and with his unique challenges too we felt it wasn't worth the stress of trying him in a mainstream school first, so we decided to apply for him to attend a Communication and Interaction (C and I) centre. We are very lucky in Gloucestershire that there are 4 centres, although it is hard to get a place as they are so needed and so popular.

http://www.christchurchschool-chelt.co.uk/classpage_list.asp?Section=109

Ben was awarded a place at the centre within Christ Church Primary School, which is rated outstanding by Ofsted, so obviously we were delighted. The idea is that he will be able to access the mainstream classes, starting with reception obviously, but he is based in the C and I centre, and they provide all of his speech and language therapy and other therapy there.

Lovely boy in his uniform.

To be honest it was very very slow going at the start. Ben is the first reception age child they have ever had in the centre, so I think his teacher didn't know what to expect and she wanted to start very gently. He was only going for an hour and a half for the first two weeks, then extended to two hours for what seemed like an eternity, especially after he'd being doing three hours at play school. There were some legitimate concerns, but I do think he would have coped fine with longer. After half term we started 8.45-11.30, then 12, then 12.15 and we are now finally doing until 1pm, so he gets to have his lunch and some play time before I pick him up. It has been hard work fitting Amelia's naps around all the dropping off and picking up, and only now that he is staying until 1pm do I actually feel I can relax for a bit while he is there. I think the kids have found it unsettling too that it has changed so many times. Maybe it would have been better to just throw him in at the deep end, maybe not, but I am glad that we are past those first few weeks.

School run!

Ben really loves and trusts the centre leader now, Mrs Paterson. She is a huge part of why this has worked for him, so I suppose taking her advice on the times goes along with that. There is also a team of 4 teaching assistants who all work part time, so there are always 3 of them there for the centre children. There are 10 children in the centre, but generally the older they get the more time they spend in the mainstream classes (this is very flexible depending on their needs). So far Ben spends all of his time in the centre, whilst the two year 1 age children spend about half their time in the reception class (although they are full time so they have more hours anyway).

I'm still not 100% convinced that it is working, but I am a lot more convinced than I was a month ago!

I am really hoping we'll be able to move closer to the school soon, partly to alleviate the stressful drive (15 minutes through the school run traffic, I hate driving anyway but it is truly horrendous) and partly to increase Amelia's chances of getting a place at the school. Having a sibling in the C and I centre does not add to your chances, unfortunately, and with it being such a prestigious school she has pretty much no chance of getting a place while we live here. The only point in her favour is that we are regularly attending Christians. We may sell our house and rent in the school area, but it's going to be a while yet. The area is expensive as it is the catchment area for two very popular schools, very convenient for the train station and town, and mostly beautiful recency town houses. But I have no problem living in a beautiful recency town house ;)

Sand and water

Do you ever have those days where your usual, everyday responsibilities seem huge and insurmountable? I'm not talking about days where I am depressed and don't want to get out of bed, or can't move myself off the sofa. I mean responsibilities like raising my kids to be strong enough to be righteous, kind, happy people in this frightening world. Or fulfilling my church callings to the maximum of my ability. Or being a good friend to all the people in the ward/my neighbourhood/my life that need me. Or developing my talents enough that I will be considered a good and faithful servant. Or the responsibility to make a difference in this world. Or the goals I have to be rich and famous, lol. The kinds of responsibilities and goals that you can't do in a day and tick off at the end.

At the moment I feel like I am doing so many bits and pieces of these that I am not achieving anything. I take a day to work on sorting out my house and I feel bad that I wasn't there for a friend who I find out later really needed me. Or I spend a day out with my kids doing whatever they want (at the moment, usually either throwing stones into water or going up escalators!) and later feel frustrated that I STILL haven't done any writing, played piano or learned Spanish. I cuddle up for a sleep with Amelia while Ben is in play school, then remember that I was supposed to be going to the gym now that Ben is occupied.

I know life is all about getting the balance, but I can't help but feel I am spread very thinly at the moment. I feel like that visual aid at church where you have a jar: you put in some big stones, then you add smaller stones, then sand and lastly water, and suddenly you can fit in more than you thought. The big stones are the basics, getting dressed, prayer, eating lunch, sleep etc.. Then you can fit in essentials like taking the kids outside, callings or cleaning the house, then you can fit things you should do, looking after friends, exercise, dates, and then you have just enough space to squeeze in hobbies. But I just feel at the moment like my jar has shrunk and I can't get enough life whatever order it goes in!

I'm still seriously sleep deprived and I'm trying to be patient with myself as D recently started his new shift job, which has been a big change for all of us. Maybe I need to just focus on one thing and set aside time that I HAVE to do that thing. I have two problems: one, when the kids go to bed I am so exhausted I usually just want to sleep or do something very passive like watch TV; and two, I have trouble choosing what I want to do most. I have a lot of talents and a lot of things that interest me, and I wish I could do more.

At stake conference a couple of weeks ago, the stake president asked us all to make a list of things that we know will bring us joy in the future, and a list of things that bring us joy now. I haven't done it yet and I think it would really help me to see which things would enrich my life most.

Any other tips?

All change

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I have no excuses, it's just not been a priority for me. But I really enjoy it when I do blog, so here goes.

The kids are getting so big! This is a good thing. I am definitely more a kid person than a baby person, and the older each of them gets the more I enjoy them.

Terrible framing, but wow she is beautiful! Amelia had her first birthday this month and her favourite present was, without doubt, her Baby Annabelle doll. It was love at first sight for those two! She has barely let go of the doll's hand since I bought it (a week before her birthday!). I would hide it (admittedly not very well, but Amelia is a baby after all), and she would dig it out every time and just hold its hand. She kisses and cuddles dolly and strokes its head; it is adorable. I'm looking for a good quality wooden pram for Christmas that doesn't cost the earth (seriously, who pays £100 for a doll pram? I barely paid that for a real pram!), any tips?

We bought her first shoes on Saturday because she is always so desperate to get down and crawl about outside, although she is not yet walking. She crawled through some wicked puddles yesterday, but don't tell Grandma ;)

Ben is just so Ben! This week he started playschool Monday to Friday mornings, 3 hours each day and he is loving it. Seriously, if ever a kid was ready to get into something new, it was Ben. I looked at a few places before choosing this playschool, and I ummed and ahhed about it for a while because the primary school on site doesn't have the best reputation, but I am so happy with my choice now. It is perfect for Ben: loads of space indoors, covered outdoors and proper outdoors; soft play; a playground with loads of bikes, scooters etc.; two 'forest schools' where they have set up like a forest with trees, logs and sticks all over and even a log cabin. They grow vegetables and build fires out of sticks (I don't think they light them ;)). There is even a speech and language therapist in residence. It's fab. So far he loves going and hates having to leave at the end.

His speech is up and down at the moment, as are his signs and eye contact. It's frustrating for all of us, but I will save that for another post.

Another major change for us is that D has a new job working shifts. He does 12 hours shifts, two day shifts (7am-7pm) followed by two night shifts (7pm-7am), then 4 days off. I still haven't decided whether I like it or not. It obviously depends at what point in the rotation we are! It is proving quite tricky for me to keep up with the house work: when D is working long hours I am usually in survival mode because I am so exhausted and have no energy for cleaning; when he is home sleeping I am trying to keep the kids and the house quiet, or else out; when he is properly off I want to spend quality time with him. I expect we'll get into the swing of it soon enough. This job is for a year, so if it ends up not working for us at least there is an end in sight.

Strawberries!

We had a hot day a few weeks ago and went strawberry picking.. The highlight for the kids was definitely the swings. They both love swings so much, it is very cute.

I love that she's so excited her eyes are squeezed shut!

Daddy and his girl, Mummy and her boy :D

I've just realised we didn't get any pictures of the actual strawberry picking! Oh well, that only took 10 minutes or so then we were back in the park. Good times.

Resolutions revisited

This is going to be an embarrassing post! But I promised myself I would do this, so here goes.

I made a LOT of New Years resolutions this year. There were just so many things I wanted to improve. I had an inkling that I wouldn't be able to manage it all, so I decided to have a review 6 months on. Now we are in July, the time has come to seriously evaluate where I am and prioritise what I want to continue (or start) working on.

Here is my list, in reverse order of importance to me:

1. Use only reused/'bag-for-life' shopping bags
2. Lose the 10lbs I've retained since becoming pregnant with Amelia.
3. Wear make up more often than I don't
4. Ride my bike at least twice a week.
5. Work on my addiction to worrying.
6. Cook healthy, homemade meals for my family and eat dinner together every day.
7. Attend the temple at least once this year.
8. Seek out and nourish uplifting friendships.

And here is how I have done so far.

1. Shopping bags: I did really well at this the first month, and I've been great on and off. I bought a shopping bag that I love and I use that probably 2/3 of the times I go shopping. I do forget to bring bags though, and when I've got both the kids packed in the car and have already run back in the house because I forgot my glasses or my purse, it doesn't seem to be my priority. I have massively improved this year though and will definitely keep working on this.

2. Weight: I'm still in the bigger size, although size 14 is too big and 12 is too tight (grrr) but I have a few new pairs of trousers that make me feel good. I'm planning to start gym-ing two mornings a week when Ben starts nursery so hopefully that will help. My actual weight has been up and down, but it's made me realise that things have redistributed and I have more work to do than I thought. Booo!

3. Make up: I've made no effort on this whatsoever! The light is awful in our bathroom (plus there is nowhere for me to keep my make up), and Amelia has been napping in our bedroom. I'm trying to put her to nap in her cot now, so I'll try again with this.

4. Cycling: Again, this hasn't happened. We've been trying to eat together as a family which means that I have the convenient excuse of being too full to exercise after the kids are asleep. BAD BAD BAD! I will improve. As a side note, I have been on the trampoline a few times to exercise and that is brilliant! But I have to work on consistency and avoiding excuses.

5. Worrying: This has become even more of a problem. I am very aware of how much damage it does to me, and I must get on with working on it.

These next three were the most important to me:

6. Family meals: I am pleased with our progress on this, although it tends to be on and off depending on my mood and energy levels. We've got into the routine of eating with the kids instead of waiting until they are in bed. I wasn't easy: D gets in about 5pm and we eat dinner about 5.30/5.45. Which means I have to start cooking pretty much as soon as he gets in or before. It's so nice, if the kids are playing, to just cuddle up on the sofa for a while, but that just pushes everything on and makes bedtime stressful.

I have a basic schedule of the genre of food we'll eat each night of the week. I just need to get into the habit of expanding this to specific meals, making my shopping list and shopping online so I don't get sucked in by the offers.

I've been trying to use the slow cooker at least once a week. Again it's on and off, but I'd say I do it about 2/3 of the weeks. I want to work on this, but it's the sort of thing you have to plan. A lot of the slow cooker recipes we enjoy contain foods I don't buy intuitively. I made a huge Mexican chilli casserole for the missionaries the other day and it was great- it tasted amazing and all I had to do when D got in was shove the rice on and warm some tortillas.

Sticking to my budget has been a challenge since shopping with two children tends to be rather a smash and grab affair, but again online shopping should help with this. I also plan to use cash more than my debit card so I can physically see how much money I have to spend. I think this will help Ben's awareness too, since I haven't yet been able to adequately explain to him why he has to give his nectarines/book/chocolate to the attendant before he can open them.

7. Temple: We are going to the temple in two weeks on the ward coach! I am very excited. My mum and dad are meeting us down there and Amelia usually goes 9am-2.30pm without a feed, so I am feeling confident that D and I will be able to do a session together. The journey is bound to be horrendous, so I'm trying to just accept that and not get stressed over it.

8. Friends: A few months ago I found a new friend! I'll blog about Almu another time, but it's fab, she lives right around the corner from us and has a little boy Ben's age. She is away at the moment, back home in Spain, but she'll be back next week and I am so excited to see her!

I've been working hard on being more honest and open with people about how I am feeling, and I have been really surprised by the results. People don't seem to think I am boring and self-centred for telling them regularly that I feel down. I thought that I would lose friends by talking about how hard my life feels right now, but I have actually developed deeper friendships in unlikely (and some likely) places. I guess when I have opened up and had a proper conversation, instead of just talking about clothes or whatever, it has encouraged the other person to share their trials too (not that I don't like to talk about clothes... I do!). I am really happy with the number and deepness of real friendships I have at the moment. Six months ago I could have counted my proper friends on one hand; now my heart swells because I feel so grateful when I think of how many people I could call to chat with when I'm having a bad day.

I think I've done pretty well so far. I have definitely worked hardest on my priorities, but I'm making some progress in the other areas too. How has everyone else done with their resolutions?

By night one way by day another...

I thought I'd published this a few weeks ago but it looks like I didn't....

I'm feeling very down today. The past couple of days actually. Amelia is still waking up in the evening most nights, often several times, and I feel so trapped. We've tried D going up to her, but she just gets so wound up if it's not me that comes, she makes herself throw up. I can't get out of the house without the kids ever and it's really starting to get to me. I would just love to be able to go out to dinner or even something as simple as a Relief Society meeting in the evening, and not have it be some big stressful deal, or have to dash home after 20 minutes because she's distraught.

She is a little doll during the day at the moment. Apart from the fact that she only naps a maximum of 45 minutes once or twice a day she is great. But then along comes the night and she's up 3 times every single night for milk. Nothing else will do!

It's just been going on so long. We've had periods where she's done really well for a week or so, then she's reverted back to being horrendous. It's been like this her whole life, so 8 months now. I just don't know what to do... any ideas?

The sun!

Have you ever noticed how everything looks so much better when the sun is shining? I'm sure you have. Living in England, it is quite a big deal when the weather is beautiful, so we appreciate every single time.

It's been a shame that both times I have given birth it has been right at the end of summer, ready for the long dreary autumn and winter months. Not that I don't love autumn colours and crisp frosty mornings, but it is just a different feeling. I feel that the gloom of the darker, colder months has contributed to me having post-natal depression both times.

Anyway, with the return of the sun I have been feeling much better and loving being outside. Our living room is very small, especially with toys lining the edges! Leaving the back door open, to me, is like having a big extension. My kids both behave so much better outside too.

We went to the Cotswold Wildlife Park yesterday as a family and here are some of the photos of us out in the sunshine :)

Ben wanted to go on the swing in the playground most of the time (about 2 hours out of the 3.5 we spent there!) but we had a great time. Other than that, it was all about the penguins.

The red panda!!! Dave and I have wanted to see one of these for ages, and we just ran into this one. We didn't even go looking for him, I just suddenly spotted him as we were walking past to the playground. Sooooo cute!

Origami

I've picked up a new hobby: origami!

Dave bought me a set of nice origami paper a while ago and I'd dabbled a little, but the book that came with it was not very inspiring and designed for children I think. Then a while back I pinched one of the origami books that we had as kids (which are certainly not designed for children, but are MUCH better) from Mum's house, and finally I've put the two together.

Dave was out at a friend's one night last week playing board games, so I took the opportunity to get going. These are what I made:

Any guesses?

Okay, this one is a nodding dog! It was really fun actually and I liked the fact that you use two pieces of paper so you can get two colours. His tail was the hardest part and I'm still not 100% sure it's right, but it's the best I can do right now. It's called a 'rabbit ear fold', and the pictures aren't particularly clear. If I have any closet origami experts following, please feel free to tell me if it is wrong, as long as you are willing to help me get it right.

You just balance the head on the body so it kind of rocks.

And this is a vase! Apparently it will hold water. This one was amazing because you do all the folds first and it's quite fiddly, but you still have a flat pieces of paper. Then you fold it all up at once and it becomes 3D: delightful! This one was great fun to make.

You can vary the height and width by changing the position of the folds, it's very clever.

I am trying to take it slowly going through the book in order as the preface recommends. I want to learn the principles and memorise the different types of folds before I try anything too ambitious. I would like to be able to invent my own models one day, so I'm trying to be thorough.

The mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose

Now for the obligatory New Year's Resolution post.

Here is my basic list, in reverse order of importance to me. Then I'm going to ramble a little about each one:

1. Use only reused/'bag-for-life' shopping bags

2. Lose the 10lbs I've retained since becoming pregnant with Amelia.

3. Wear make up more often than I don't

4. Ride my bike at least twice a week.

5. Work on my addiction to worrying.

6. Cook healthy, homemade meals for my family and eat dinner together every day.

7. Attend the temple at least once this year.

8. Seek out and nourish uplifting friendships.

Okay...

1. This morning I cleaned up the top of our fridge, which was previously the dumping ground for plastic carrier bags from grocery shops. It took about 10 minutes to gather up all of the bags! This shall not happen again. I will keep 'bag-for-life's in my car boot and I will use them and renew them.

2. I have only 10lbs to lose to become the weight I was when I returned from my mission. I loved those days when I could just pull on anything and look good, and they shall return! I'm not hugely bothered about this one, but I would like to get back to my optimum size of 10/12 trousers before I hit 30. Tops we won't talk about, but when I'm done breastfeeding and can wear proper bras again I will see what the lay of the land is.

3. I like wearing make up, and it makes me feel good. It only takes me about 3 minutes to apply the level of make up that makes me feel gorgeous, and whilst I don't think it is important to wear it every day, I would like to make the effort more often than I don't. I'm talking literally the bare minimum it's worth it to apply here: just a bit of blush, quick dash of eye liner and a lazy lip gloss (thanks Camilla!). Then I won't have to dodge cameras!

4. I LOVE riding my bike: see this post. Enough said.

5. Worrying: this is a big one for me that I won't get into too much now. I just can't help myself turning over and over in my mind things that I can do absolutely nothing about. I worry and fret and give myself a headache and lose sleep, all for nothing. I am not yet sure how to work on this one, but I have some ideas for how to find out.

NOW for the big three!

6. I love to cook and I want to eat more healthily. I actually find cooking very relaxing. I'm not going to beat myself up here because I have just had a baby, but we haven't eaten particularly healthily the past few months. I want to be the kind of wife that can whip up a healthy, delicious meal from nothing, and have it waiting on the stove when my hubbie arrives home. I want to know how to dress up cheaper kinds of meat really well to make them taste as good as expensive cuts. I think that this is a skill and it's one I would like to develop. My mum taught me a lot of this when I was living at home, but when you have young kids it's easy to get into bad, lazy habits.

This is a big one because it doesn't just happen, it will take a lot of effort and preparation. Along with it goes routines, planning meals, careful budgeting and savvy shopping, sacrificing time with Dave and time playing with the kids, learning the art of the slow cooker (lol), experimentation and lots of washing up! But I am excited.

I'll have to keep a record of how it goes on here, and will probably write about my reasons for doing it at some point too. It relates a lot to Benjamin's eating habits and routine.

7. I have been to the temple once since I gave birth to Benjamin, and I wasn't able to do a session. A couple of things have happened lately to make me doubt my judgement as to whether I should have been attending during that time, and I've had a really hard time over it. Maybe that's for another post, maybe it is private- I'm not sure yet, but either way I won't go into it now. I would like to attend the temple and do a session some time this year though, depending on Amelia. If I'm not able to do a session, I will go to the grounds with the children at least once.

8. I've been thinking a lot about friendships past and present these last few months. I have realised and come to terms with the fact that many friendships don't last forever, and that is okay. Sometimes people cross our lives for a season and are amazingly helpful to us, or we are helpful to them, for a while, but then the way life takes us means that maintaining that relationship is impossible, or so hard that you'd be better off using your energy elsewhere. I don't mean this to sound harsh, just realistic.

At the moment, I don't think I have anyone that I would call a close friend, outside my family and Lee. And that's been okay for a while. I am lucky to have married the best friend I've ever had, and to be blessed with 3 amazing sisters and a wonderful mother that I am very close to. Lee was my best friend before my mission and lives in Birmingham. We've managed to stay well in touch, and he's someone I can talk to about anything that bothers me.

I haven't had a best female friend since way before my mission. I have major issues with opening up my heart to women, other than my family, as a result of being majorly hurt in the past. I want to try to get over that this year. Because as a married woman there's only so much you can do with a guy friend. I can't ring up Lee and see if he wants to go out for lunch or go out shopping together like we used to. Well, I could, but that would be a bit weird without D, if you get what I mean. And I miss having that kind of relationship with someone. I am lonely. There, I've said it!

D and I don't even have any close couple friends that we can spend time with. Since we moved to Cheltenham, at church it just seems like everybody has somebody, except us. Woe is us!

Sooooo...

I am going to invest time and energy in seeking out and building friendships with women, where those relationships will uplift and improve me. I will find a friend this year!

That's a lot to be getting on with I know, but it's all important to me. I feel quite positive about this year and being able to improve myself and become happier.

A big girl bed

I wrote this in January and never got around to finishing it, but here it is: to be continued soon....

We had a pretty rough Christmas sleep-wise. About a week before Dave finished work for the holidays, our lovely baby girl stopped sleeping for longer than two hours, EVER. I'm talking day, night, day, night... it just won't end! Some nights she wakes up every hour, feeds for twenty minutes and falls asleep, then wakes up the next hour. So I've been getting maybe five or six 40 minutes blocks a night. AND this has coincided with the fourth-ish week of Benjamin's refusal to nap during the day- joy!

This is how it's gone the past few weeks: I would start to put her up to bed around 7 as usual, leave her asleep at about 7.45, then spend the rest of the evening going up and settling her over and over again, while Dave sat on the computer entertaining himself, unsure whether he would get to see his wife for longer than 10 minutes that day. It's been HORRENDOUS! Apologies for the potentially irritating use of capitals, but they don't even bring it close to how I've been feeling.
I feel lonely, up there all 'alone' scrabbling for the chance at a life. I feel that she is being completely unreasonable. All I want is a couple of hours to call my own. I look after these children all day, and I just want to spend a little time with my husband, is that too much to ask?? Clearly yes!

I have a rule with my kids that once it is bedtime, they stay upstairs. I have never once brought Benjamin downstairs after bedtime; I want him to respect that boundary so I have to too. I need time to be me. This does, of course, lead to the self-imposed torture I describe above. It has also meant several miserable nights spent in the rocking chair! But I believe it has been a huge factor in my Ben's miraculous habit of going to bed at 6.30 every single night and never being seen or heard until morning (I know that seems a little early, but we are early risers and he is up around 5.30/6am anyway, whatever time he goes to bed).

So I'm trying to think outside the box, and one thing we're trying at the moment is... the big girl bed!

It's a toddler bed I bought on eBay for Ben a while ago, although he's not interested in it at all. I raised it high enough to be level with our bed and hey presto! Her own bed that is actually still part of our bed. Incase anyone was wondering why there's a little green sheet on there, I have to double up sheets as she sleeps on her tummy and slobbers all over the bed! Parenthood makes you think laterally lol.

Christmas!

This was our first Christmas at home just us as a family. It was so nice not to have to travel and to be able to eat whenever dinner was ready. We had an hour long Sacrament meeting at church, and it was wonderful to see everyone there! I was impressed with the turn out- pretty much the same as a usual Sunday. It was great to start the day focusing on the Saviour.

It was also my first time making Christmas dinner alone! Although Dave did help a little when I was feeding Amelia. I was super organised and had everything ready to just be shoved in the oven or have water poured onto it at the appropriate moment, and had written a list of what needed putting in when and how many minutes to put on the timer next. I am extremely proud of myself, and especially my gammon.

D suggested it would be nice to have gammon for a change this year, as we would normally have turkey. I thought that was a great idea, but it was Christmas Eve Eve before I realised I had never done one before and had no idea how to dress it! Thanks to Google I found a delicious recipe sans mustard (D doesn't like mustard) and it turned out perfectly.

Ben decided he'd prefer fish fingers for his Christmas dinner, although he had a nibble on a yorkshire pudding too. Strange child. But we were just grateful that he was happy and low maintenance while we ate.

Amelia had a present while we ate, and she sat happily playing with it for most of the meal. She LOVES her Oball!

We decided to take it easy with the presents and just let Ben open them as and when he wanted to. This worked quite well and we actually opened the last few yesterday (27th). He is very obsessive and needs to be able to look at and take in what he's got before he tackles something else. It's kind of nice really because it means he enjoys each thing, rather than just tossing presents aside and going for the next one.

We tried a few times to get a nice family photo by the tree, or even just pictures of the children, but it didn't really work! This photo pretty much summarises the experience: Ben constantly moving outside the frame and making everyone else laugh! He's brilliant.

Hope you all had a very merry Christmas. Happy New Year!

Gok Wan and the perfect boots

As some of you may know, I have a bit of a thing for Gok Wan.

There he is. Lovely man. I don't fancy him or anything... or maybe I do... I don't know... but anyway, I like him a lot and I want him to be my best friend. I used to love watching Gok's Fashion Fix when we had a TV licence, much to D's disgust!

So imagine my delight when Gok popped up in my dream the other night.

In the dream, D had got tickets to see a Gok fashion show for my birthday. I had a cunning plan that I would dress shockingly badly, then Gok would see that I needed his help, kit me out like a model in free clothes, and we'd be friends forever. And being a dream, it all went according to my plan! I wore these hideous boots that I would never be seen dead in except in an attempt to lure Gok into eternal friendship, and when he saw me in the car park he came and took me by the hand to help me. We went into the studio and I got all my beautiful new clothes and was feeling like Cinderella, then... THE PERFECT BOOTS!

Haha, I have been saving up for beautiful boots for months, so my subconscious obviously knew how much I needed them! In the dream they were these gorgeous jazzberry suede stilettos, about knee high, oh my.

Something like this, but without the platform and, obviously, a boot. I would never buy something this impractical in real life, as it'd be a good 3 years before I could safely wear them without falling over a small child and possibly taking someone's eye out, but what are dreams for, hey?

Gok decided I looked so good he'd put me in the show, so I got to walk down the catwalk in my amazing, free, designer outfit, then the real models brought me flowers and a 3D jigsaw puzzle of London attractions! It was one of the best nights of my life!

I did buy my boots about a week ago, but they ended up being flats and chocolate brown. I do love them though :) And they were half outlet price (about a quarter normal price), so bonus!

Being the favourite

There is a quotation I've heard before that I just love. I don't even know who it's by, but it goes:

To the world, you may be just one person.

To to one person, you may be the world.

I just love that! I've always loved the quotation, but since having children it's meant so much more to me.

Because these little people, they come into our lives so helpless and dependent. And we love them so much and so instantly. We give to them until we feel we cannot possibly give another second or another thing, and then we somehow give a lot more!

And the most wonderful thing about that is that they love us absolutely!

When Benjamin was tiny and I was battling with post-natal depression, my Mum said to me, "You are the most important person in his life." and at the time it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I felt like I wanted to escape my responsibilities and be free. But gradually I realised that I wanted to be that person, I wanted to be his mummy, I wanted to be the most important person in his world. That's one of the reasons I decided not to go back to work, but to be a stay at home mum.

Wanting to take care of them; with Ben, it happened the first time he put his arms up to ask me to pick him up. With Amelia it was the first time I laid eyes on her.

I don't want someone else to be the most important person in their lives, I want them to come to me when they fall over and hurt themselves, and I want to be the one they look over to when they do something very clever. How could I possibly give that to someone else? Obviously some people have to, and some people choose to, but not me!

I have come to realise, even more now that I have two children and my attention is always split, that I don't have to be perfect. Neither of my kids are sitting there with a scorecard, rating my performance and loving me in proportion to that. They love me completely whatever I do: no matter what. As long as I am enough, that's enough.

D said once that I was 3 people's favourite- it was just an incidental comment but it meant a lot to me. Because I am! And because I know it won't always be that way, and that's okay, but for now it is glorious. Even in the middle of the night when it has to be me, and even when both kids are sad at the same time and for both of them it has to be me! It's exhausting, but it's wonderful.