Home schooling, crisis schooling, whatever

14/05/2020

Because of the Covid-19 lockdown, my kids have been out of school for 8 weeks now. Well, it's been exactly 8 weeks for Ben, as he finished a little early because he was licking everything in defiance of the new hand washing routine! He was licking tables, walls, pencils, attempting to lick members of staff- it would be hilarious if it wasn't so dangerous.

So I had him home a few days while Amelia was still in school and she was furious! My friend who picks her up for me 3 days a week so I can be on time for Ben, had had to be relieved from duty because being in the playground just wasn't safe for her with her own health concerns. So a lot of change. Then on the Friday schools closed for all children, except for those whose parents are both key workers. So if someone has a non-keyworker job they are expected to work from home and have their kids with them.

All well and good and reasonably fair? Well, kind of. Except for a few inconvenient facts. These are just the ones that occur to me right now, it's by no means a full list:

• All the parents that are not key workers are also not teachers (otherwise, y'know, they'd be key workers). So we now have untrained people trying to teach. It's hard and I dislike it (even when it's not hard)
• Most parents have other responsibilities and aspirations than home schooling their kids, e.g. work, study, life goals, well being needs, church responsibilities, care for family members, running a household
• Kids are not allowed in supermarkets, in fact with varying degrees of enforcement your shopping trips are one person per household. And they take forever because you have to queue to get in, queue around a one way system, and queue for a till. So in a household where one or both adults are key workers, and they are still working outside of the home, it's a tightrope act trying to get food into your home
• My kids and I are going through a period of anxiety, uncertainty, massive change, stifling of most desires, and isolation from our normal support and friendship networks. These kids are in no fit state to learn most days
• There are hundreds of thousands of children who have severe special needs, and I for one have very little idea how to provide the specialist teaching and therapies that my son needs. And there is very little support available, Ben really isn't getting any support other than a pack of  maths worksheets each week, and one Zoom call with his whole class that he hasn't been able to participate in so far for various reasons.
• This is a time where you can't just ring most places and set up appointments, solutions, fixes, advice etc. If you need something and you can't work it out or get it yourself, you're going to go through a LOT of hassle, answer machine messages, emails and maybes before you get to the bottom of it. And add to that two small persons who need your attention all day, and you're basically screwed- nothing is getting sorted.
• My house is a mess- I tidy up, kids happen immediately, repeat.
• We can't go anywhere- can't see friends, can't visit anywhere at all, playgrounds are closed even, you're allowed out once a day to exercise, and not allowed to drive somewhere to do that.

Lockdown and social fear

We are now going into our 9th week since schools closed. The mandated lockdown came a few days later, but with two autistic children the close of school was when lockdown started for us, in practical terms. I remember the day before schools closed (it was a Thursday) and Ben was already home because his behaviour was causing a health and safety risk. So of course I had to take him with me to bring Amelia to school, and on the way back we crossed paths with friend-couple. I can vividly remember the conversation, explaining why he wasn't in school, what he had been up to, making it into a funny story so they would laugh and not feel bad for us. And I can vividly remember standing uncomfortably far apart. Probably more than 2 metres actually. I remember being afraid, not wanting to get to close, not wanting to share air. I remember Ben going off ahead while I was talking and feeling terrified that he would get too close to someone, so I finished the conversation quickly and ran after him.

And this was before lockdown even started! I was in the playground twice a day still. The level of  my anxiety has fluctuated, but it hasn't ever dipped lower than that day: 9 WEEKS AGO. I am, and many many people are, in a perpetual state of vigilance, and kind of alarm. And shock. I think I feel this at home too, not just outdoors, and that doesn't make sense, but just happens automatically.

I just wonder what the long term impact is going to be of all this stress. Many are putting on brave faces now, refusing to hear any negativity, some actively shutting it down, almost competing subconsciously to see who can stay the most positive and learn the most lessons from lockdown. But when the dust all settles, and people start to feel the feelings they have been hiding from, how will the anxiety, the solitude, and the boredom affect us medium term and long term?

What if there isn't actually a 'meaning' and we all just have to face that. That it's just the result of living in an imperfect world, and we have lost hundred of thousands of lives for no reason. That our grief isn't beautiful or meaningful, it's just painful. That our sacrifices actually were reluctant, and weren't gratefully received (by government, or by at-risk group from what I've been hearing) either. And worst of all, that we tried so hard and hurt ourselves mentally or emotionally trying to isolate, and then we just couldn't keep it going long enough to save life.

This is the rabbit hole of my social fear! Not much has changed for me since Johnson relaxed the lockdown on Tuesday, because from the way he was speaking it didn't sound to me like things are safer now, it sounded more like he knew people were getting bored and poor. And I got the impression that was the reason why work was being encouraged to restart and schools to reopen within a couple of weeks. And that gave me no comfort or confidence at all.

Lockdown projects

We are in a very odd time in history at the moment. A huge proportion of the developed world is in a self-isolating lockdown because of a global pandemic. There is a new Corona virus called Covid-19 which is spreading like wildfire, so we have been legally required to remain home for 7 weeks now. People can't work outside the home unless they are key workers, and you are not allowed to meet people outside your household. Parks and playgrounds have been closed, all leisure facilities and restaurants have had mandatory closing, school has been closed for almost 8 weeks (they have remained as a childcare facility for children who do not have a parent who is not a key worker. Mother's Day and Easter have come and gone without being able to see family. It's just been bizarre.

There was this assumption at the beginning that we were all going to have so much more free time. That really doesn't happen when you have children! Especially as D is a key worker and has still been in the office. But it's very fashionable at the moment to have a list of new hobbies you've been working on during lockdown. So here's mine:

• Catching up on Covid-19 news during breakfast but pretending I'm checking out today's school assignments. Amelia's school send the lesson materials to an app on my phone, so this works great. (I can't let Amelia know if I'm checking the news because she wants to hear details, but to be honest it's pretty bleak and sometimes grisly, so I have to carefully choose what and when I tell her)
• Finding creative ways to go to the loo alone. These include setting the kids up with snacks, casually leaving the catnip spray on the table, and waiting until they are both out the front on their scooters. There is ALWAYS an Amazon/Royal Mail delivery.
• A rather halfhearted plan to watch all the Marvel films in chronological order, since we now have Disney+. This idea lasted all of 30 seconds.

Ok here's the genuine list:

• Getting to a decent stage of piano playing. I got a couple of new music books for Christmas which are both showtunes, so that's been a fab incentive.
• Getting back into writing. I actually entered a poetry competition for the first time since high school.
• I crocheted a uni-kitty for Amelia. And haven't felt any desire to pick up a hook since!
• I have a little journalism project on the go about people's responses to the lockdown. It started as an idea for the key workers, since we have so many people classed as key workers who have been carrying on in harm's way while a lot of people have been paid to be home off work. I don't think we as a society realise how many people have been keeping our lives going.
• I've done a bit more reading, read a great sci-fi novel by Blake Crouch called Incursion. It really captured me and showed me what a writer can do if you just go for it, no lingering or fussing.
• A few theatre companies have been publishing shows and plays on youtube for people to watch for free during lockdown. Most notably the National Theatre and Andrew Lloyd Webber. This has been fun and a very positive social experience for me as I've been able to talk to people about theatre who I have never been to a show with.

A voice

Give me a shout if you read this post.

It's been literally years and I feel like I need to put something out to the world. I have changed, and I have things to say :) I'm just wondering, after all this time, if this is a place where anyone is still listening??

Early morning motherhood

I'm never quite sure whether I love or hate this time of day. You know when the kids wake up too early and you have to get up and deal with one or both of them, and it's dark outside and the house is quiet. It's so still and peaceful, and kind of blissful, but at the same time I'd so much rather be in bed!

Amelia regularly wakes up at 5 or before. We've tried a lot of ways to get her to sleep longer or stay in bed later, none of them have worked, but that's not the point of this post. She's always been a very clingy mummy's girl, which means that I don't really have any choice but to be the one who gets up with her, unless I want to lie in bed listening to her howl until Ben gets woken up, and when that happens no one is happy, instead of it just being me who is unhappy! I'm still breast feeding her, so milk is a huge issue for her too.

So that first half hour, where we are cuddled up on the sofa (hopefully I've remembered to grab my dressing gown so in not shivering); I really believe I will miss that time when it is gone. The best mornings are actually when Ben wakes up early too (naturally though, not when he's disturbed by Amelia screaming!) and he snuggles into my other arm, and we just sit there, comfy and complete. He seems to understand that that nursing time is sacred, quiet and restful. In those times I reflect on how wonderful these stunning little spirits, with their adorable bodies, really are, and how great my influence and my responsibility is. I hold the future in my arms, and all they want, everything in the world to them at that moment, is to feel my touch and receive nourishment from me, both physically and emotionally.

I don't think I will ever be able to appreciate enough how these children belong to me, how important I am to them. In moments like this one I am their whole entire universe. They don't sit there thinking about how they wish they had brought their phone down so they had something to occupy their minds- I occupy their thoughts, wishes and reality. They don't sit stressing about the day to come, with all the dressing, driving and discipline to be endured- I am their schedule. They don't wish they were still in bed or wish that Daddy was down here too- this is all they want.

For me, it's a rude awakening and a time I struggle to stay awake and stay kind; for them it's a buffer between sleep and a world that can be overwhelming and terrifying. I'm their buffer.

It won't last forever, and that makes me both glad and sad.

Ben is at school!

Ben turned 4 in the middle of August, which meant that it was time for him to start school! He is the youngest in his year group, being an August baby, and with his unique challenges too we felt it wasn't worth the stress of trying him in a mainstream school first, so we decided to apply for him to attend a Communication and Interaction (C and I) centre. We are very lucky in Gloucestershire that there are 4 centres, although it is hard to get a place as they are so needed and so popular.

http://www.christchurchschool-chelt.co.uk/classpage_list.asp?Section=109

Ben was awarded a place at the centre within Christ Church Primary School, which is rated outstanding by Ofsted, so obviously we were delighted. The idea is that he will be able to access the mainstream classes, starting with reception obviously, but he is based in the C and I centre, and they provide all of his speech and language therapy and other therapy there.

Lovely boy in his uniform.

To be honest it was very very slow going at the start. Ben is the first reception age child they have ever had in the centre, so I think his teacher didn't know what to expect and she wanted to start very gently. He was only going for an hour and a half for the first two weeks, then extended to two hours for what seemed like an eternity, especially after he'd being doing three hours at play school. There were some legitimate concerns, but I do think he would have coped fine with longer. After half term we started 8.45-11.30, then 12, then 12.15 and we are now finally doing until 1pm, so he gets to have his lunch and some play time before I pick him up. It has been hard work fitting Amelia's naps around all the dropping off and picking up, and only now that he is staying until 1pm do I actually feel I can relax for a bit while he is there. I think the kids have found it unsettling too that it has changed so many times. Maybe it would have been better to just throw him in at the deep end, maybe not, but I am glad that we are past those first few weeks.

School run!

Ben really loves and trusts the centre leader now, Mrs Paterson. She is a huge part of why this has worked for him, so I suppose taking her advice on the times goes along with that. There is also a team of 4 teaching assistants who all work part time, so there are always 3 of them there for the centre children. There are 10 children in the centre, but generally the older they get the more time they spend in the mainstream classes (this is very flexible depending on their needs). So far Ben spends all of his time in the centre, whilst the two year 1 age children spend about half their time in the reception class (although they are full time so they have more hours anyway).

I'm still not 100% convinced that it is working, but I am a lot more convinced than I was a month ago!

I am really hoping we'll be able to move closer to the school soon, partly to alleviate the stressful drive (15 minutes through the school run traffic, I hate driving anyway but it is truly horrendous) and partly to increase Amelia's chances of getting a place at the school. Having a sibling in the C and I centre does not add to your chances, unfortunately, and with it being such a prestigious school she has pretty much no chance of getting a place while we live here. The only point in her favour is that we are regularly attending Christians. We may sell our house and rent in the school area, but it's going to be a while yet. The area is expensive as it is the catchment area for two very popular schools, very convenient for the train station and town, and mostly beautiful recency town houses. But I have no problem living in a beautiful recency town house ;)

Sand and water

Do you ever have those days where your usual, everyday responsibilities seem huge and insurmountable? I'm not talking about days where I am depressed and don't want to get out of bed, or can't move myself off the sofa. I mean responsibilities like raising my kids to be strong enough to be righteous, kind, happy people in this frightening world. Or fulfilling my church callings to the maximum of my ability. Or being a good friend to all the people in the ward/my neighbourhood/my life that need me. Or developing my talents enough that I will be considered a good and faithful servant. Or the responsibility to make a difference in this world. Or the goals I have to be rich and famous, lol. The kinds of responsibilities and goals that you can't do in a day and tick off at the end.

At the moment I feel like I am doing so many bits and pieces of these that I am not achieving anything. I take a day to work on sorting out my house and I feel bad that I wasn't there for a friend who I find out later really needed me. Or I spend a day out with my kids doing whatever they want (at the moment, usually either throwing stones into water or going up escalators!) and later feel frustrated that I STILL haven't done any writing, played piano or learned Spanish. I cuddle up for a sleep with Amelia while Ben is in play school, then remember that I was supposed to be going to the gym now that Ben is occupied.

I know life is all about getting the balance, but I can't help but feel I am spread very thinly at the moment. I feel like that visual aid at church where you have a jar: you put in some big stones, then you add smaller stones, then sand and lastly water, and suddenly you can fit in more than you thought. The big stones are the basics, getting dressed, prayer, eating lunch, sleep etc.. Then you can fit in essentials like taking the kids outside, callings or cleaning the house, then you can fit things you should do, looking after friends, exercise, dates, and then you have just enough space to squeeze in hobbies. But I just feel at the moment like my jar has shrunk and I can't get enough life whatever order it goes in!

I'm still seriously sleep deprived and I'm trying to be patient with myself as D recently started his new shift job, which has been a big change for all of us. Maybe I need to just focus on one thing and set aside time that I HAVE to do that thing. I have two problems: one, when the kids go to bed I am so exhausted I usually just want to sleep or do something very passive like watch TV; and two, I have trouble choosing what I want to do most. I have a lot of talents and a lot of things that interest me, and I wish I could do more.

At stake conference a couple of weeks ago, the stake president asked us all to make a list of things that we know will bring us joy in the future, and a list of things that bring us joy now. I haven't done it yet and I think it would really help me to see which things would enrich my life most.

Any other tips?