Sand and water

Do you ever have those days where your usual, everyday responsibilities seem huge and insurmountable? I'm not talking about days where I am depressed and don't want to get out of bed, or can't move myself off the sofa. I mean responsibilities like raising my kids to be strong enough to be righteous, kind, happy people in this frightening world. Or fulfilling my church callings to the maximum of my ability. Or being a good friend to all the people in the ward/my neighbourhood/my life that need me. Or developing my talents enough that I will be considered a good and faithful servant. Or the responsibility to make a difference in this world. Or the goals I have to be rich and famous, lol. The kinds of responsibilities and goals that you can't do in a day and tick off at the end.

At the moment I feel like I am doing so many bits and pieces of these that I am not achieving anything. I take a day to work on sorting out my house and I feel bad that I wasn't there for a friend who I find out later really needed me. Or I spend a day out with my kids doing whatever they want (at the moment, usually either throwing stones into water or going up escalators!) and later feel frustrated that I STILL haven't done any writing, played piano or learned Spanish. I cuddle up for a sleep with Amelia while Ben is in play school, then remember that I was supposed to be going to the gym now that Ben is occupied.

I know life is all about getting the balance, but I can't help but feel I am spread very thinly at the moment. I feel like that visual aid at church where you have a jar: you put in some big stones, then you add smaller stones, then sand and lastly water, and suddenly you can fit in more than you thought. The big stones are the basics, getting dressed, prayer, eating lunch, sleep etc.. Then you can fit in essentials like taking the kids outside, callings or cleaning the house, then you can fit things you should do, looking after friends, exercise, dates, and then you have just enough space to squeeze in hobbies. But I just feel at the moment like my jar has shrunk and I can't get enough life whatever order it goes in!

I'm still seriously sleep deprived and I'm trying to be patient with myself as D recently started his new shift job, which has been a big change for all of us. Maybe I need to just focus on one thing and set aside time that I HAVE to do that thing. I have two problems: one, when the kids go to bed I am so exhausted I usually just want to sleep or do something very passive like watch TV; and two, I have trouble choosing what I want to do most. I have a lot of talents and a lot of things that interest me, and I wish I could do more.

At stake conference a couple of weeks ago, the stake president asked us all to make a list of things that we know will bring us joy in the future, and a list of things that bring us joy now. I haven't done it yet and I think it would really help me to see which things would enrich my life most.

Any other tips?

All change

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I have no excuses, it's just not been a priority for me. But I really enjoy it when I do blog, so here goes.

The kids are getting so big! This is a good thing. I am definitely more a kid person than a baby person, and the older each of them gets the more I enjoy them.

Terrible framing, but wow she is beautiful! Amelia had her first birthday this month and her favourite present was, without doubt, her Baby Annabelle doll. It was love at first sight for those two! She has barely let go of the doll's hand since I bought it (a week before her birthday!). I would hide it (admittedly not very well, but Amelia is a baby after all), and she would dig it out every time and just hold its hand. She kisses and cuddles dolly and strokes its head; it is adorable. I'm looking for a good quality wooden pram for Christmas that doesn't cost the earth (seriously, who pays £100 for a doll pram? I barely paid that for a real pram!), any tips?

We bought her first shoes on Saturday because she is always so desperate to get down and crawl about outside, although she is not yet walking. She crawled through some wicked puddles yesterday, but don't tell Grandma ;)

Ben is just so Ben! This week he started playschool Monday to Friday mornings, 3 hours each day and he is loving it. Seriously, if ever a kid was ready to get into something new, it was Ben. I looked at a few places before choosing this playschool, and I ummed and ahhed about it for a while because the primary school on site doesn't have the best reputation, but I am so happy with my choice now. It is perfect for Ben: loads of space indoors, covered outdoors and proper outdoors; soft play; a playground with loads of bikes, scooters etc.; two 'forest schools' where they have set up like a forest with trees, logs and sticks all over and even a log cabin. They grow vegetables and build fires out of sticks (I don't think they light them ;)). There is even a speech and language therapist in residence. It's fab. So far he loves going and hates having to leave at the end.

His speech is up and down at the moment, as are his signs and eye contact. It's frustrating for all of us, but I will save that for another post.

Another major change for us is that D has a new job working shifts. He does 12 hours shifts, two day shifts (7am-7pm) followed by two night shifts (7pm-7am), then 4 days off. I still haven't decided whether I like it or not. It obviously depends at what point in the rotation we are! It is proving quite tricky for me to keep up with the house work: when D is working long hours I am usually in survival mode because I am so exhausted and have no energy for cleaning; when he is home sleeping I am trying to keep the kids and the house quiet, or else out; when he is properly off I want to spend quality time with him. I expect we'll get into the swing of it soon enough. This job is for a year, so if it ends up not working for us at least there is an end in sight.

Strawberries!

We had a hot day a few weeks ago and went strawberry picking.. The highlight for the kids was definitely the swings. They both love swings so much, it is very cute.

I love that she's so excited her eyes are squeezed shut!

Daddy and his girl, Mummy and her boy :D

I've just realised we didn't get any pictures of the actual strawberry picking! Oh well, that only took 10 minutes or so then we were back in the park. Good times.

Resolutions revisited

This is going to be an embarrassing post! But I promised myself I would do this, so here goes.

I made a LOT of New Years resolutions this year. There were just so many things I wanted to improve. I had an inkling that I wouldn't be able to manage it all, so I decided to have a review 6 months on. Now we are in July, the time has come to seriously evaluate where I am and prioritise what I want to continue (or start) working on.

Here is my list, in reverse order of importance to me:

1. Use only reused/'bag-for-life' shopping bags
2. Lose the 10lbs I've retained since becoming pregnant with Amelia.
3. Wear make up more often than I don't
4. Ride my bike at least twice a week.
5. Work on my addiction to worrying.
6. Cook healthy, homemade meals for my family and eat dinner together every day.
7. Attend the temple at least once this year.
8. Seek out and nourish uplifting friendships.

And here is how I have done so far.

1. Shopping bags: I did really well at this the first month, and I've been great on and off. I bought a shopping bag that I love and I use that probably 2/3 of the times I go shopping. I do forget to bring bags though, and when I've got both the kids packed in the car and have already run back in the house because I forgot my glasses or my purse, it doesn't seem to be my priority. I have massively improved this year though and will definitely keep working on this.

2. Weight: I'm still in the bigger size, although size 14 is too big and 12 is too tight (grrr) but I have a few new pairs of trousers that make me feel good. I'm planning to start gym-ing two mornings a week when Ben starts nursery so hopefully that will help. My actual weight has been up and down, but it's made me realise that things have redistributed and I have more work to do than I thought. Booo!

3. Make up: I've made no effort on this whatsoever! The light is awful in our bathroom (plus there is nowhere for me to keep my make up), and Amelia has been napping in our bedroom. I'm trying to put her to nap in her cot now, so I'll try again with this.

4. Cycling: Again, this hasn't happened. We've been trying to eat together as a family which means that I have the convenient excuse of being too full to exercise after the kids are asleep. BAD BAD BAD! I will improve. As a side note, I have been on the trampoline a few times to exercise and that is brilliant! But I have to work on consistency and avoiding excuses.

5. Worrying: This has become even more of a problem. I am very aware of how much damage it does to me, and I must get on with working on it.

These next three were the most important to me:

6. Family meals: I am pleased with our progress on this, although it tends to be on and off depending on my mood and energy levels. We've got into the routine of eating with the kids instead of waiting until they are in bed. I wasn't easy: D gets in about 5pm and we eat dinner about 5.30/5.45. Which means I have to start cooking pretty much as soon as he gets in or before. It's so nice, if the kids are playing, to just cuddle up on the sofa for a while, but that just pushes everything on and makes bedtime stressful.

I have a basic schedule of the genre of food we'll eat each night of the week. I just need to get into the habit of expanding this to specific meals, making my shopping list and shopping online so I don't get sucked in by the offers.

I've been trying to use the slow cooker at least once a week. Again it's on and off, but I'd say I do it about 2/3 of the weeks. I want to work on this, but it's the sort of thing you have to plan. A lot of the slow cooker recipes we enjoy contain foods I don't buy intuitively. I made a huge Mexican chilli casserole for the missionaries the other day and it was great- it tasted amazing and all I had to do when D got in was shove the rice on and warm some tortillas.

Sticking to my budget has been a challenge since shopping with two children tends to be rather a smash and grab affair, but again online shopping should help with this. I also plan to use cash more than my debit card so I can physically see how much money I have to spend. I think this will help Ben's awareness too, since I haven't yet been able to adequately explain to him why he has to give his nectarines/book/chocolate to the attendant before he can open them.

7. Temple: We are going to the temple in two weeks on the ward coach! I am very excited. My mum and dad are meeting us down there and Amelia usually goes 9am-2.30pm without a feed, so I am feeling confident that D and I will be able to do a session together. The journey is bound to be horrendous, so I'm trying to just accept that and not get stressed over it.

8. Friends: A few months ago I found a new friend! I'll blog about Almu another time, but it's fab, she lives right around the corner from us and has a little boy Ben's age. She is away at the moment, back home in Spain, but she'll be back next week and I am so excited to see her!

I've been working hard on being more honest and open with people about how I am feeling, and I have been really surprised by the results. People don't seem to think I am boring and self-centred for telling them regularly that I feel down. I thought that I would lose friends by talking about how hard my life feels right now, but I have actually developed deeper friendships in unlikely (and some likely) places. I guess when I have opened up and had a proper conversation, instead of just talking about clothes or whatever, it has encouraged the other person to share their trials too (not that I don't like to talk about clothes... I do!). I am really happy with the number and deepness of real friendships I have at the moment. Six months ago I could have counted my proper friends on one hand; now my heart swells because I feel so grateful when I think of how many people I could call to chat with when I'm having a bad day.

I think I've done pretty well so far. I have definitely worked hardest on my priorities, but I'm making some progress in the other areas too. How has everyone else done with their resolutions?

By night one way by day another...

I thought I'd published this a few weeks ago but it looks like I didn't....

I'm feeling very down today. The past couple of days actually. Amelia is still waking up in the evening most nights, often several times, and I feel so trapped. We've tried D going up to her, but she just gets so wound up if it's not me that comes, she makes herself throw up. I can't get out of the house without the kids ever and it's really starting to get to me. I would just love to be able to go out to dinner or even something as simple as a Relief Society meeting in the evening, and not have it be some big stressful deal, or have to dash home after 20 minutes because she's distraught.

She is a little doll during the day at the moment. Apart from the fact that she only naps a maximum of 45 minutes once or twice a day she is great. But then along comes the night and she's up 3 times every single night for milk. Nothing else will do!

It's just been going on so long. We've had periods where she's done really well for a week or so, then she's reverted back to being horrendous. It's been like this her whole life, so 8 months now. I just don't know what to do... any ideas?

The sun!

Have you ever noticed how everything looks so much better when the sun is shining? I'm sure you have. Living in England, it is quite a big deal when the weather is beautiful, so we appreciate every single time.

It's been a shame that both times I have given birth it has been right at the end of summer, ready for the long dreary autumn and winter months. Not that I don't love autumn colours and crisp frosty mornings, but it is just a different feeling. I feel that the gloom of the darker, colder months has contributed to me having post-natal depression both times.

Anyway, with the return of the sun I have been feeling much better and loving being outside. Our living room is very small, especially with toys lining the edges! Leaving the back door open, to me, is like having a big extension. My kids both behave so much better outside too.

We went to the Cotswold Wildlife Park yesterday as a family and here are some of the photos of us out in the sunshine :)

Ben wanted to go on the swing in the playground most of the time (about 2 hours out of the 3.5 we spent there!) but we had a great time. Other than that, it was all about the penguins.

The red panda!!! Dave and I have wanted to see one of these for ages, and we just ran into this one. We didn't even go looking for him, I just suddenly spotted him as we were walking past to the playground. Sooooo cute!

Origami

I've picked up a new hobby: origami!

Dave bought me a set of nice origami paper a while ago and I'd dabbled a little, but the book that came with it was not very inspiring and designed for children I think. Then a while back I pinched one of the origami books that we had as kids (which are certainly not designed for children, but are MUCH better) from Mum's house, and finally I've put the two together.

Dave was out at a friend's one night last week playing board games, so I took the opportunity to get going. These are what I made:

Any guesses?

Okay, this one is a nodding dog! It was really fun actually and I liked the fact that you use two pieces of paper so you can get two colours. His tail was the hardest part and I'm still not 100% sure it's right, but it's the best I can do right now. It's called a 'rabbit ear fold', and the pictures aren't particularly clear. If I have any closet origami experts following, please feel free to tell me if it is wrong, as long as you are willing to help me get it right.

You just balance the head on the body so it kind of rocks.

And this is a vase! Apparently it will hold water. This one was amazing because you do all the folds first and it's quite fiddly, but you still have a flat pieces of paper. Then you fold it all up at once and it becomes 3D: delightful! This one was great fun to make.

You can vary the height and width by changing the position of the folds, it's very clever.

I am trying to take it slowly going through the book in order as the preface recommends. I want to learn the principles and memorise the different types of folds before I try anything too ambitious. I would like to be able to invent my own models one day, so I'm trying to be thorough.

The mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose

Now for the obligatory New Year's Resolution post.

Here is my basic list, in reverse order of importance to me. Then I'm going to ramble a little about each one:

1. Use only reused/'bag-for-life' shopping bags

2. Lose the 10lbs I've retained since becoming pregnant with Amelia.

3. Wear make up more often than I don't

4. Ride my bike at least twice a week.

5. Work on my addiction to worrying.

6. Cook healthy, homemade meals for my family and eat dinner together every day.

7. Attend the temple at least once this year.

8. Seek out and nourish uplifting friendships.

Okay...

1. This morning I cleaned up the top of our fridge, which was previously the dumping ground for plastic carrier bags from grocery shops. It took about 10 minutes to gather up all of the bags! This shall not happen again. I will keep 'bag-for-life's in my car boot and I will use them and renew them.

2. I have only 10lbs to lose to become the weight I was when I returned from my mission. I loved those days when I could just pull on anything and look good, and they shall return! I'm not hugely bothered about this one, but I would like to get back to my optimum size of 10/12 trousers before I hit 30. Tops we won't talk about, but when I'm done breastfeeding and can wear proper bras again I will see what the lay of the land is.

3. I like wearing make up, and it makes me feel good. It only takes me about 3 minutes to apply the level of make up that makes me feel gorgeous, and whilst I don't think it is important to wear it every day, I would like to make the effort more often than I don't. I'm talking literally the bare minimum it's worth it to apply here: just a bit of blush, quick dash of eye liner and a lazy lip gloss (thanks Camilla!). Then I won't have to dodge cameras!

4. I LOVE riding my bike: see this post. Enough said.

5. Worrying: this is a big one for me that I won't get into too much now. I just can't help myself turning over and over in my mind things that I can do absolutely nothing about. I worry and fret and give myself a headache and lose sleep, all for nothing. I am not yet sure how to work on this one, but I have some ideas for how to find out.

NOW for the big three!

6. I love to cook and I want to eat more healthily. I actually find cooking very relaxing. I'm not going to beat myself up here because I have just had a baby, but we haven't eaten particularly healthily the past few months. I want to be the kind of wife that can whip up a healthy, delicious meal from nothing, and have it waiting on the stove when my hubbie arrives home. I want to know how to dress up cheaper kinds of meat really well to make them taste as good as expensive cuts. I think that this is a skill and it's one I would like to develop. My mum taught me a lot of this when I was living at home, but when you have young kids it's easy to get into bad, lazy habits.

This is a big one because it doesn't just happen, it will take a lot of effort and preparation. Along with it goes routines, planning meals, careful budgeting and savvy shopping, sacrificing time with Dave and time playing with the kids, learning the art of the slow cooker (lol), experimentation and lots of washing up! But I am excited.

I'll have to keep a record of how it goes on here, and will probably write about my reasons for doing it at some point too. It relates a lot to Benjamin's eating habits and routine.

7. I have been to the temple once since I gave birth to Benjamin, and I wasn't able to do a session. A couple of things have happened lately to make me doubt my judgement as to whether I should have been attending during that time, and I've had a really hard time over it. Maybe that's for another post, maybe it is private- I'm not sure yet, but either way I won't go into it now. I would like to attend the temple and do a session some time this year though, depending on Amelia. If I'm not able to do a session, I will go to the grounds with the children at least once.

8. I've been thinking a lot about friendships past and present these last few months. I have realised and come to terms with the fact that many friendships don't last forever, and that is okay. Sometimes people cross our lives for a season and are amazingly helpful to us, or we are helpful to them, for a while, but then the way life takes us means that maintaining that relationship is impossible, or so hard that you'd be better off using your energy elsewhere. I don't mean this to sound harsh, just realistic.

At the moment, I don't think I have anyone that I would call a close friend, outside my family and Lee. And that's been okay for a while. I am lucky to have married the best friend I've ever had, and to be blessed with 3 amazing sisters and a wonderful mother that I am very close to. Lee was my best friend before my mission and lives in Birmingham. We've managed to stay well in touch, and he's someone I can talk to about anything that bothers me.

I haven't had a best female friend since way before my mission. I have major issues with opening up my heart to women, other than my family, as a result of being majorly hurt in the past. I want to try to get over that this year. Because as a married woman there's only so much you can do with a guy friend. I can't ring up Lee and see if he wants to go out for lunch or go out shopping together like we used to. Well, I could, but that would be a bit weird without D, if you get what I mean. And I miss having that kind of relationship with someone. I am lonely. There, I've said it!

D and I don't even have any close couple friends that we can spend time with. Since we moved to Cheltenham, at church it just seems like everybody has somebody, except us. Woe is us!

Sooooo...

I am going to invest time and energy in seeking out and building friendships with women, where those relationships will uplift and improve me. I will find a friend this year!

That's a lot to be getting on with I know, but it's all important to me. I feel quite positive about this year and being able to improve myself and become happier.

A big girl bed

I wrote this in January and never got around to finishing it, but here it is: to be continued soon....

We had a pretty rough Christmas sleep-wise. About a week before Dave finished work for the holidays, our lovely baby girl stopped sleeping for longer than two hours, EVER. I'm talking day, night, day, night... it just won't end! Some nights she wakes up every hour, feeds for twenty minutes and falls asleep, then wakes up the next hour. So I've been getting maybe five or six 40 minutes blocks a night. AND this has coincided with the fourth-ish week of Benjamin's refusal to nap during the day- joy!

This is how it's gone the past few weeks: I would start to put her up to bed around 7 as usual, leave her asleep at about 7.45, then spend the rest of the evening going up and settling her over and over again, while Dave sat on the computer entertaining himself, unsure whether he would get to see his wife for longer than 10 minutes that day. It's been HORRENDOUS! Apologies for the potentially irritating use of capitals, but they don't even bring it close to how I've been feeling.
I feel lonely, up there all 'alone' scrabbling for the chance at a life. I feel that she is being completely unreasonable. All I want is a couple of hours to call my own. I look after these children all day, and I just want to spend a little time with my husband, is that too much to ask?? Clearly yes!

I have a rule with my kids that once it is bedtime, they stay upstairs. I have never once brought Benjamin downstairs after bedtime; I want him to respect that boundary so I have to too. I need time to be me. This does, of course, lead to the self-imposed torture I describe above. It has also meant several miserable nights spent in the rocking chair! But I believe it has been a huge factor in my Ben's miraculous habit of going to bed at 6.30 every single night and never being seen or heard until morning (I know that seems a little early, but we are early risers and he is up around 5.30/6am anyway, whatever time he goes to bed).

So I'm trying to think outside the box, and one thing we're trying at the moment is... the big girl bed!

It's a toddler bed I bought on eBay for Ben a while ago, although he's not interested in it at all. I raised it high enough to be level with our bed and hey presto! Her own bed that is actually still part of our bed. Incase anyone was wondering why there's a little green sheet on there, I have to double up sheets as she sleeps on her tummy and slobbers all over the bed! Parenthood makes you think laterally lol.