Fun and games with writing

I've always felt like I should save my writing work for some exciting and mythical day when I become a published writer and make some money out of it. The reality is, I don't want to be a professional writer- not really.

I would love to share my work with the world and get feedback from people and talk about my art. Getting paid would be nice (super nice), but actually writing isn't what I want to do with my life. That feels liberating, and I am excited to see what I can make of my talents.

With that in mind, and in the spirit of getting maximum joy out of my life, I will be sharing a lot more of my writing with the world in general. And I would love feedback! Hopefully good, but if you want to criticise please be cooooool!

I'll start popping a few varied bits and bobs on this blog. So if you like what you see give me a shout and I will probably be encouraged to write more of that ;)

With love, my friends xxx

Covid Monologues: Tess

Covid Monologues

Tess

Yes! Of course I will! Oh Ed... this is the best thing that's happened to me all year. My whole life. I mean, 2020 kind of sucks but this...! My mum is going to scream! No... in a good way. But, yeah, calm down Tess, let's just enjoy this moment for now. Wow, I feel on top of the moon!

And I know it's not just because of Covid, I know this goes beyond some stupid virus, beyond fear or loneliness. I mean, it just makes sense... doesn't it? This was inevitable... unstoppable... written, in the stars... [she reflects a moment on the poetry, sighs] Not that I'm saying we're, like going to get married, or engaged or anything... I mean [nervous laugh]. It's a big step though, living together. Just wow... [she gives an excited squeak] saying it out loud! Because now I know that you see 'us' the same way I do. I did think about asking you actually, because obviously I'm quite feminist, so it doesn't always have to be the man that asks. But it's just so romantic this way. I can't wait to tell my parents, tell my friends.

Do you think we're going to be, like, an Aldi couple or an M&S couple? No I mean, look, some people are just M&S material and some people are Aldi material, isn't it? Like, my mum and dad, M&S obviously, and they can afford that because they work out exactly what they need and have a list. And also my mum's like, really particular about organic fruit and veg, and you know M&S have these partnerships with farmers so you can even trace your steak back to the specific cow it came from- it's so responsible and forward-thinking. [Imitating her parents] Well Florence, would you be interested in a little Bessie tonight? Oh Henry, I think I'd prefer Bluebell if you don't mind terribly. [Chuckles internally at her joke] It's all about choices isn't it? You make your cake, and eat it. And then your mum really likes Aldi, because... no she does though doesn't she? Remember when we were there at Christmas and she was telling me about the leberkuchen? [Imitating her mother-in-law] Look Tess, Christmas ain't Christmas without a big plate of leberkuchen, you ask my Ed. And Aldi was the first place you could get 'em, they're European, y'know? [back to herself] Like, have you ever done a big shop at Aldi, and you fill up your whole trolley and then you get to the till, you know, when you have to just chuck it all back in the trolley for dear life because they just zoom it all through and you're not supposed to put it in the bags until afterwards? And then the till girl is like 'That's £35 please.' while you're still up to your elbows in fake kitkats? Doesn't matter what you get, it's always £35. So that's the difference; it's not really about the food, it's the person. [Remembers] I mean, the couple.

I haven't lived with someone since... no Ed don't be like that. He was a big part of my life. Back then. Yes, I know he wasn't good enough for me. And I probably shouldn't have stayed so long. I bit off more than I could swallow. Thank God I was good with birth control though, can you imagine raising his... [beat] Sorry. He was sweet though, when you got to know him. In between his... episodes... you know. I really wanted a baby back then. But you can't bring a child into a situation like that, I mean, it was hard enough protecting my 25 year old self from a 200 pound 'angry hulk'. But a baby? [whistles] I was lucky. And I'm not saying I still want kids. Don't worry. [nervous laugh] I've definitely got a lot of work to do on my self development before I'm ready for that. I wonder what he's up to now.

Can you believe this though? We're going to see each other all day, every day! I'm so excited! I won't have to get up at the clock of dawn to catch the early bus across town to work. You won't have to wrestle with my hair straighteners in the morning to plug in your razor. You can have your own plug socket now! I can sort you some drawers too, I've got too many clothes anyway. Not much hanging space, but we can burn that bridge when we cross it. Are you going to bring your little wardrobe from... [beat] what? Babe, that doesn't... you can't be serious? This place is at least twice as big. And you're not going to be at work anyway so why does that matter? [beat] You've got to be kidding me. I hardly think operating a till in Sainsbury's is considered 'essential work'! Besides, it's only half an hour on the bus, you could go on my bike actually. Oh come on, it takes me an hour to get to the office from your place. I can't believe this. I can't believe you expect me to live in a one-bed in an area like that. You do realise we aren't going to be able to leave the flat? They're saying this lockdown could be 2 months! Just the two of us, in a shoebox like that?

Anyway, I'm on to you. I know this whole moving-in thing is just about the sex. Oh you know exactly what I mean! If we don't move in together, then it's 2 months we won't see each other, that's... [challenged] well I bet you've already counted the number of days you risk not getting some. You slut. That's all I am to you, is it? Just some 'body' for you to own, drag me by my hair to your cave and lock me down there, so you can [starting to enjoy this fantasy] have your wicked way with me any time you get bored, or... whatever. I probably won't even need to bring clothes will I? Which is a good thing because they wouldn't FIT in your poky bedsit! [working herself up] Oh how many of the drawers can I have babe? [imitating him] Just the top drawer, plenty of space for lingere. [back to herself, furious] Do they sell lingere in ALDI? [beat] Maybe you should ask your MUM!

This is the problem, Ed, with thinking with your dick instead of your head. And now, the cat's out of the barn. You can't shut the door now. You've asked, so now, either we move in together or we break up. [menacing] If you think you can slink out of this one you have another think coming.

[Softening and slowing gradually] You are the love of my life Ed, truly. No one has ever shown me the kind of respect you have. I thought you saw me as an equal, not as some possession. I thought we were soul mates, really I did. The thought of living with you, it made me feel braver, stronger, made me feel... like I had the map. Like all these people were scrambling for some understanding of our world turning upside down, and then you said one question, and... suddenly I could see the way. And first I thought, why me? I have no right to feel safe, I belong in the lonely muddle and mayhem, that's all I deserve. But then, I looked through your eyes, just for a second, and when I saw... I took that map, with both hands and eyes wide open for the first time in my life.

But [blinking her way out of the dream] this... you don't have a leg to stand for this Ed. Maybe... maybe you should give some thought to what you actually, really want.

Home schooling, crisis schooling, whatever

14/05/2020

Because of the Covid-19 lockdown, my kids have been out of school for 8 weeks now. Well, it's been exactly 8 weeks for Ben, as he finished a little early because he was licking everything in defiance of the new hand washing routine! He was licking tables, walls, pencils, attempting to lick members of staff- it would be hilarious if it wasn't so dangerous.

So I had him home a few days while Amelia was still in school and she was furious! My friend who picks her up for me 3 days a week so I can be on time for Ben, had had to be relieved from duty because being in the playground just wasn't safe for her with her own health concerns. So a lot of change. Then on the Friday schools closed for all children, except for those whose parents are both key workers. So if someone has a non-keyworker job they are expected to work from home and have their kids with them.

All well and good and reasonably fair? Well, kind of. Except for a few inconvenient facts. These are just the ones that occur to me right now, it's by no means a full list:

• All the parents that are not key workers are also not teachers (otherwise, y'know, they'd be key workers). So we now have untrained people trying to teach. It's hard and I dislike it (even when it's not hard)
• Most parents have other responsibilities and aspirations than home schooling their kids, e.g. work, study, life goals, well being needs, church responsibilities, care for family members, running a household
• Kids are not allowed in supermarkets, in fact with varying degrees of enforcement your shopping trips are one person per household. And they take forever because you have to queue to get in, queue around a one way system, and queue for a till. So in a household where one or both adults are key workers, and they are still working outside of the home, it's a tightrope act trying to get food into your home
• My kids and I are going through a period of anxiety, uncertainty, massive change, stifling of most desires, and isolation from our normal support and friendship networks. These kids are in no fit state to learn most days
• There are hundreds of thousands of children who have severe special needs, and I for one have very little idea how to provide the specialist teaching and therapies that my son needs. And there is very little support available, Ben really isn't getting any support other than a pack of  maths worksheets each week, and one Zoom call with his whole class that he hasn't been able to participate in so far for various reasons.
• This is a time where you can't just ring most places and set up appointments, solutions, fixes, advice etc. If you need something and you can't work it out or get it yourself, you're going to go through a LOT of hassle, answer machine messages, emails and maybes before you get to the bottom of it. And add to that two small persons who need your attention all day, and you're basically screwed- nothing is getting sorted.
• My house is a mess- I tidy up, kids happen immediately, repeat.
• We can't go anywhere- can't see friends, can't visit anywhere at all, playgrounds are closed even, you're allowed out once a day to exercise, and not allowed to drive somewhere to do that.

Lockdown and social fear

We are now going into our 9th week since schools closed. The mandated lockdown came a few days later, but with two autistic children the close of school was when lockdown started for us, in practical terms. I remember the day before schools closed (it was a Thursday) and Ben was already home because his behaviour was causing a health and safety risk. So of course I had to take him with me to bring Amelia to school, and on the way back we crossed paths with friend-couple. I can vividly remember the conversation, explaining why he wasn't in school, what he had been up to, making it into a funny story so they would laugh and not feel bad for us. And I can vividly remember standing uncomfortably far apart. Probably more than 2 metres actually. I remember being afraid, not wanting to get to close, not wanting to share air. I remember Ben going off ahead while I was talking and feeling terrified that he would get too close to someone, so I finished the conversation quickly and ran after him.

And this was before lockdown even started! I was in the playground twice a day still. The level of  my anxiety has fluctuated, but it hasn't ever dipped lower than that day: 9 WEEKS AGO. I am, and many many people are, in a perpetual state of vigilance, and kind of alarm. And shock. I think I feel this at home too, not just outdoors, and that doesn't make sense, but just happens automatically.

I just wonder what the long term impact is going to be of all this stress. Many are putting on brave faces now, refusing to hear any negativity, some actively shutting it down, almost competing subconsciously to see who can stay the most positive and learn the most lessons from lockdown. But when the dust all settles, and people start to feel the feelings they have been hiding from, how will the anxiety, the solitude, and the boredom affect us medium term and long term?

What if there isn't actually a 'meaning' and we all just have to face that. That it's just the result of living in an imperfect world, and we have lost hundred of thousands of lives for no reason. That our grief isn't beautiful or meaningful, it's just painful. That our sacrifices actually were reluctant, and weren't gratefully received (by government, or by at-risk group from what I've been hearing) either. And worst of all, that we tried so hard and hurt ourselves mentally or emotionally trying to isolate, and then we just couldn't keep it going long enough to save life.

This is the rabbit hole of my social fear! Not much has changed for me since Johnson relaxed the lockdown on Tuesday, because from the way he was speaking it didn't sound to me like things are safer now, it sounded more like he knew people were getting bored and poor. And I got the impression that was the reason why work was being encouraged to restart and schools to reopen within a couple of weeks. And that gave me no comfort or confidence at all.

Lockdown projects

We are in a very odd time in history at the moment. A huge proportion of the developed world is in a self-isolating lockdown because of a global pandemic. There is a new Corona virus called Covid-19 which is spreading like wildfire, so we have been legally required to remain home for 7 weeks now. People can't work outside the home unless they are key workers, and you are not allowed to meet people outside your household. Parks and playgrounds have been closed, all leisure facilities and restaurants have had mandatory closing, school has been closed for almost 8 weeks (they have remained as a childcare facility for children who do not have a parent who is not a key worker. Mother's Day and Easter have come and gone without being able to see family. It's just been bizarre.

There was this assumption at the beginning that we were all going to have so much more free time. That really doesn't happen when you have children! Especially as D is a key worker and has still been in the office. But it's very fashionable at the moment to have a list of new hobbies you've been working on during lockdown. So here's mine:

• Catching up on Covid-19 news during breakfast but pretending I'm checking out today's school assignments. Amelia's school send the lesson materials to an app on my phone, so this works great. (I can't let Amelia know if I'm checking the news because she wants to hear details, but to be honest it's pretty bleak and sometimes grisly, so I have to carefully choose what and when I tell her)
• Finding creative ways to go to the loo alone. These include setting the kids up with snacks, casually leaving the catnip spray on the table, and waiting until they are both out the front on their scooters. There is ALWAYS an Amazon/Royal Mail delivery.
• A rather halfhearted plan to watch all the Marvel films in chronological order, since we now have Disney+. This idea lasted all of 30 seconds.

Ok here's the genuine list:

• Getting to a decent stage of piano playing. I got a couple of new music books for Christmas which are both showtunes, so that's been a fab incentive.
• Getting back into writing. I actually entered a poetry competition for the first time since high school.
• I crocheted a uni-kitty for Amelia. And haven't felt any desire to pick up a hook since!
• I have a little journalism project on the go about people's responses to the lockdown. It started as an idea for the key workers, since we have so many people classed as key workers who have been carrying on in harm's way while a lot of people have been paid to be home off work. I don't think we as a society realise how many people have been keeping our lives going.
• I've done a bit more reading, read a great sci-fi novel by Blake Crouch called Incursion. It really captured me and showed me what a writer can do if you just go for it, no lingering or fussing.
• A few theatre companies have been publishing shows and plays on youtube for people to watch for free during lockdown. Most notably the National Theatre and Andrew Lloyd Webber. This has been fun and a very positive social experience for me as I've been able to talk to people about theatre who I have never been to a show with.

A voice

Give me a shout if you read this post.

It's been literally years and I feel like I need to put something out to the world. I have changed, and I have things to say :) I'm just wondering, after all this time, if this is a place where anyone is still listening??

Early morning motherhood

I'm never quite sure whether I love or hate this time of day. You know when the kids wake up too early and you have to get up and deal with one or both of them, and it's dark outside and the house is quiet. It's so still and peaceful, and kind of blissful, but at the same time I'd so much rather be in bed!

Amelia regularly wakes up at 5 or before. We've tried a lot of ways to get her to sleep longer or stay in bed later, none of them have worked, but that's not the point of this post. She's always been a very clingy mummy's girl, which means that I don't really have any choice but to be the one who gets up with her, unless I want to lie in bed listening to her howl until Ben gets woken up, and when that happens no one is happy, instead of it just being me who is unhappy! I'm still breast feeding her, so milk is a huge issue for her too.

So that first half hour, where we are cuddled up on the sofa (hopefully I've remembered to grab my dressing gown so in not shivering); I really believe I will miss that time when it is gone. The best mornings are actually when Ben wakes up early too (naturally though, not when he's disturbed by Amelia screaming!) and he snuggles into my other arm, and we just sit there, comfy and complete. He seems to understand that that nursing time is sacred, quiet and restful. In those times I reflect on how wonderful these stunning little spirits, with their adorable bodies, really are, and how great my influence and my responsibility is. I hold the future in my arms, and all they want, everything in the world to them at that moment, is to feel my touch and receive nourishment from me, both physically and emotionally.

I don't think I will ever be able to appreciate enough how these children belong to me, how important I am to them. In moments like this one I am their whole entire universe. They don't sit there thinking about how they wish they had brought their phone down so they had something to occupy their minds- I occupy their thoughts, wishes and reality. They don't sit stressing about the day to come, with all the dressing, driving and discipline to be endured- I am their schedule. They don't wish they were still in bed or wish that Daddy was down here too- this is all they want.

For me, it's a rude awakening and a time I struggle to stay awake and stay kind; for them it's a buffer between sleep and a world that can be overwhelming and terrifying. I'm their buffer.

It won't last forever, and that makes me both glad and sad.