Fun and games with writing

I've always felt like I should save my writing work for some exciting and mythical day when I become a published writer and make some money out of it. The reality is, I don't want to be a professional writer- not really.

I would love to share my work with the world and get feedback from people and talk about my art. Getting paid would be nice (super nice), but actually writing isn't what I want to do with my life. That feels liberating, and I am excited to see what I can make of my talents.

With that in mind, and in the spirit of getting maximum joy out of my life, I will be sharing a lot more of my writing with the world in general. And I would love feedback! Hopefully good, but if you want to criticise please be cooooool!

I'll start popping a few varied bits and bobs on this blog. So if you like what you see give me a shout and I will probably be encouraged to write more of that ;)

With love, my friends xxx

Covid Monologues: Tess

Covid Monologues

Tess

Yes! Of course I will! Oh Ed... this is the best thing that's happened to me all year. My whole life. I mean, 2020 kind of sucks but this...! My mum is going to scream! No... in a good way. But, yeah, calm down Tess, let's just enjoy this moment for now. Wow, I feel on top of the moon!

And I know it's not just because of Covid, I know this goes beyond some stupid virus, beyond fear or loneliness. I mean, it just makes sense... doesn't it? This was inevitable... unstoppable... written, in the stars... [she reflects a moment on the poetry, sighs] Not that I'm saying we're, like going to get married, or engaged or anything... I mean [nervous laugh]. It's a big step though, living together. Just wow... [she gives an excited squeak] saying it out loud! Because now I know that you see 'us' the same way I do. I did think about asking you actually, because obviously I'm quite feminist, so it doesn't always have to be the man that asks. But it's just so romantic this way. I can't wait to tell my parents, tell my friends.

Do you think we're going to be, like, an Aldi couple or an M&S couple? No I mean, look, some people are just M&S material and some people are Aldi material, isn't it? Like, my mum and dad, M&S obviously, and they can afford that because they work out exactly what they need and have a list. And also my mum's like, really particular about organic fruit and veg, and you know M&S have these partnerships with farmers so you can even trace your steak back to the specific cow it came from- it's so responsible and forward-thinking. [Imitating her parents] Well Florence, would you be interested in a little Bessie tonight? Oh Henry, I think I'd prefer Bluebell if you don't mind terribly. [Chuckles internally at her joke] It's all about choices isn't it? You make your cake, and eat it. And then your mum really likes Aldi, because... no she does though doesn't she? Remember when we were there at Christmas and she was telling me about the leberkuchen? [Imitating her mother-in-law] Look Tess, Christmas ain't Christmas without a big plate of leberkuchen, you ask my Ed. And Aldi was the first place you could get 'em, they're European, y'know? [back to herself] Like, have you ever done a big shop at Aldi, and you fill up your whole trolley and then you get to the till, you know, when you have to just chuck it all back in the trolley for dear life because they just zoom it all through and you're not supposed to put it in the bags until afterwards? And then the till girl is like 'That's £35 please.' while you're still up to your elbows in fake kitkats? Doesn't matter what you get, it's always £35. So that's the difference; it's not really about the food, it's the person. [Remembers] I mean, the couple.

I haven't lived with someone since... no Ed don't be like that. He was a big part of my life. Back then. Yes, I know he wasn't good enough for me. And I probably shouldn't have stayed so long. I bit off more than I could swallow. Thank God I was good with birth control though, can you imagine raising his... [beat] Sorry. He was sweet though, when you got to know him. In between his... episodes... you know. I really wanted a baby back then. But you can't bring a child into a situation like that, I mean, it was hard enough protecting my 25 year old self from a 200 pound 'angry hulk'. But a baby? [whistles] I was lucky. And I'm not saying I still want kids. Don't worry. [nervous laugh] I've definitely got a lot of work to do on my self development before I'm ready for that. I wonder what he's up to now.

Can you believe this though? We're going to see each other all day, every day! I'm so excited! I won't have to get up at the clock of dawn to catch the early bus across town to work. You won't have to wrestle with my hair straighteners in the morning to plug in your razor. You can have your own plug socket now! I can sort you some drawers too, I've got too many clothes anyway. Not much hanging space, but we can burn that bridge when we cross it. Are you going to bring your little wardrobe from... [beat] what? Babe, that doesn't... you can't be serious? This place is at least twice as big. And you're not going to be at work anyway so why does that matter? [beat] You've got to be kidding me. I hardly think operating a till in Sainsbury's is considered 'essential work'! Besides, it's only half an hour on the bus, you could go on my bike actually. Oh come on, it takes me an hour to get to the office from your place. I can't believe this. I can't believe you expect me to live in a one-bed in an area like that. You do realise we aren't going to be able to leave the flat? They're saying this lockdown could be 2 months! Just the two of us, in a shoebox like that?

Anyway, I'm on to you. I know this whole moving-in thing is just about the sex. Oh you know exactly what I mean! If we don't move in together, then it's 2 months we won't see each other, that's... [challenged] well I bet you've already counted the number of days you risk not getting some. You slut. That's all I am to you, is it? Just some 'body' for you to own, drag me by my hair to your cave and lock me down there, so you can [starting to enjoy this fantasy] have your wicked way with me any time you get bored, or... whatever. I probably won't even need to bring clothes will I? Which is a good thing because they wouldn't FIT in your poky bedsit! [working herself up] Oh how many of the drawers can I have babe? [imitating him] Just the top drawer, plenty of space for lingere. [back to herself, furious] Do they sell lingere in ALDI? [beat] Maybe you should ask your MUM!

This is the problem, Ed, with thinking with your dick instead of your head. And now, the cat's out of the barn. You can't shut the door now. You've asked, so now, either we move in together or we break up. [menacing] If you think you can slink out of this one you have another think coming.

[Softening and slowing gradually] You are the love of my life Ed, truly. No one has ever shown me the kind of respect you have. I thought you saw me as an equal, not as some possession. I thought we were soul mates, really I did. The thought of living with you, it made me feel braver, stronger, made me feel... like I had the map. Like all these people were scrambling for some understanding of our world turning upside down, and then you said one question, and... suddenly I could see the way. And first I thought, why me? I have no right to feel safe, I belong in the lonely muddle and mayhem, that's all I deserve. But then, I looked through your eyes, just for a second, and when I saw... I took that map, with both hands and eyes wide open for the first time in my life.

But [blinking her way out of the dream] this... you don't have a leg to stand for this Ed. Maybe... maybe you should give some thought to what you actually, really want.