We are now going into our 9th week since schools closed. The mandated lockdown came a few days later, but with two autistic children the close of school was when lockdown started for us, in practical terms. I remember the day before schools closed (it was a Thursday) and Ben was already home because his behaviour was causing a health and safety risk. So of course I had to take him with me to bring Amelia to school, and on the way back we crossed paths with friend-couple. I can vividly remember the conversation, explaining why he wasn't in school, what he had been up to, making it into a funny story so they would laugh and not feel bad for us. And I can vividly remember standing uncomfortably far apart. Probably more than 2 metres actually. I remember being afraid, not wanting to get to close, not wanting to share air. I remember Ben going off ahead while I was talking and feeling terrified that he would get too close to someone, so I finished the conversation quickly and ran after him.
And this was before lockdown even started! I was in the playground twice a day still. The level of my anxiety has fluctuated, but it hasn't ever dipped lower than that day: 9 WEEKS AGO. I am, and many many people are, in a perpetual state of vigilance, and kind of alarm. And shock. I think I feel this at home too, not just outdoors, and that doesn't make sense, but just happens automatically.
I just wonder what the long term impact is going to be of all this stress. Many are putting on brave faces now, refusing to hear any negativity, some actively shutting it down, almost competing subconsciously to see who can stay the most positive and learn the most lessons from lockdown. But when the dust all settles, and people start to feel the feelings they have been hiding from, how will the anxiety, the solitude, and the boredom affect us medium term and long term?
What if there isn't actually a 'meaning' and we all just have to face that. That it's just the result of living in an imperfect world, and we have lost hundred of thousands of lives for no reason. That our grief isn't beautiful or meaningful, it's just painful. That our sacrifices actually were reluctant, and weren't gratefully received (by government, or by at-risk group from what I've been hearing) either. And worst of all, that we tried so hard and hurt ourselves mentally or emotionally trying to isolate, and then we just couldn't keep it going long enough to save life.
This is the rabbit hole of my social fear! Not much has changed for me since Johnson relaxed the lockdown on Tuesday, because from the way he was speaking it didn't sound to me like things are safer now, it sounded more like he knew people were getting bored and poor. And I got the impression that was the reason why work was being encouraged to restart and schools to reopen within a couple of weeks. And that gave me no comfort or confidence at all.
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