There is a quotation I've heard before that I just love. I don't even know who it's by, but it goes:
To the world, you may be just one person.
To to one person, you may be the world.
I just love that! I've always loved the quotation, but since having children it's meant so much more to me.
Because these little people, they come into our lives so helpless and dependent. And we love them so much and so instantly. We give to them until we feel we cannot possibly give another second or another thing, and then we somehow give a lot more!
And the most wonderful thing about that is that they love us absolutely!
When Benjamin was tiny and I was battling with post-natal depression, my Mum said to me, "You are the most important person in his life." and at the time it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I felt like I wanted to escape my responsibilities and be free. But gradually I realised that I wanted to be that person, I wanted to be his mummy, I wanted to be the most important person in his world. That's one of the reasons I decided not to go back to work, but to be a stay at home mum.
Wanting to take care of them; with Ben, it happened the first time he put his arms up to ask me to pick him up. With Amelia it was the first time I laid eyes on her.
I don't want someone else to be the most important person in their lives, I want them to come to me when they fall over and hurt themselves, and I want to be the one they look over to when they do something very clever. How could I possibly give that to someone else? Obviously some people have to, and some people choose to, but not me!
I have come to realise, even more now that I have two children and my attention is always split, that I don't have to be perfect. Neither of my kids are sitting there with a scorecard, rating my performance and loving me in proportion to that. They love me completely whatever I do: no matter what. As long as I am enough, that's enough.
D said once that I was 3 people's favourite- it was just an incidental comment but it meant a lot to me. Because I am! And because I know it won't always be that way, and that's okay, but for now it is glorious. Even in the middle of the night when it has to be me, and even when both kids are sad at the same time and for both of them it has to be me! It's exhausting, but it's wonderful.
Thanks for writing these thoughts, I needed to read it today, especially after a long night of very little sleep, and as I sit here nursing a baby that takes his sleepy time eating. I'm glad there are women out there that feel the same way I do. You also made me think of the moments when I knew I was important to my children and I wanted to do anything and everything for them. With Kassie, I had many early moments of love, but a lot of emotional problems, and the first eye-opening experience didn't happen until she was old enough to say "I love you too, Mommy!" and I feel very sad that it didn't happen sooner. With Milo, I felt a stronger connection immediately, but realized yesterday that I was still holding onto some selfish feelings (associated with the pain and discomforts of breastfeeding a sleepy, lazy baby) and the doctor told me that if he doesn't gain enough weight this week, he may have to be hospitalized. I somehow don't care anymore how sore I am or how much my back hurts or how many hours I spend sitting on the couch nursing him, when I would normally rather be doing my Christmas baking. I want to kiss his tiny cheeks when he falls asleep after slowly nursing for an hour and a half in the middle of the night. And as much as these two little children need me, I obviously need them just as much to test my love and patience everyday so I can become more Christlike and fill the measure of my creation. Again, thanks for sharing your feelings - I'm grateful for other moms around the world who are also imperfect, but great examples to me! (Sorry for the looong response!)
ReplyDelete"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world." ~Brandi Snyder
ReplyDeleteI am good at saying the right thing but at the wrong time. Has always been a trait of mine.
And don't forget Jaz that the first time round you didn't know how to love a babe straight away....it's sometimes something that you learn. It is not always immediate and that is fine. Its a bit like living the commandment or doing something a leader says......sometimes we have to do it with faith knowing that one day....one day we will understand.
Love you xx
Jaz, you are such an inspiration to me! I know I have probably told you before, but sometimes I feel like watching you with your little family and hearing about your feelings and experiences is like seeing myself 17 years ago. I decided to stay home to look after my children. Yes it was hard, exhausting, financially difficult and I struggled with depression but all this time later I have no regrets. I can say it goes very fast (It doesn't feel like it at the time, especially in middle of night!!), and I really miss it. So enjoy and know that they will always need you, you will aways be their favourite.
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