Early morning motherhood

I'm never quite sure whether I love or hate this time of day. You know when the kids wake up too early and you have to get up and deal with one or both of them, and it's dark outside and the house is quiet. It's so still and peaceful, and kind of blissful, but at the same time I'd so much rather be in bed!

Amelia regularly wakes up at 5 or before. We've tried a lot of ways to get her to sleep longer or stay in bed later, none of them have worked, but that's not the point of this post. She's always been a very clingy mummy's girl, which means that I don't really have any choice but to be the one who gets up with her, unless I want to lie in bed listening to her howl until Ben gets woken up, and when that happens no one is happy, instead of it just being me who is unhappy! I'm still breast feeding her, so milk is a huge issue for her too.

So that first half hour, where we are cuddled up on the sofa (hopefully I've remembered to grab my dressing gown so in not shivering); I really believe I will miss that time when it is gone. The best mornings are actually when Ben wakes up early too (naturally though, not when he's disturbed by Amelia screaming!) and he snuggles into my other arm, and we just sit there, comfy and complete. He seems to understand that that nursing time is sacred, quiet and restful. In those times I reflect on how wonderful these stunning little spirits, with their adorable bodies, really are, and how great my influence and my responsibility is. I hold the future in my arms, and all they want, everything in the world to them at that moment, is to feel my touch and receive nourishment from me, both physically and emotionally.

I don't think I will ever be able to appreciate enough how these children belong to me, how important I am to them. In moments like this one I am their whole entire universe. They don't sit there thinking about how they wish they had brought their phone down so they had something to occupy their minds- I occupy their thoughts, wishes and reality. They don't sit stressing about the day to come, with all the dressing, driving and discipline to be endured- I am their schedule. They don't wish they were still in bed or wish that Daddy was down here too- this is all they want.

For me, it's a rude awakening and a time I struggle to stay awake and stay kind; for them it's a buffer between sleep and a world that can be overwhelming and terrifying. I'm their buffer.

It won't last forever, and that makes me both glad and sad.