Home schooling, crisis schooling, whatever

14/05/2020

Because of the Covid-19 lockdown, my kids have been out of school for 8 weeks now. Well, it's been exactly 8 weeks for Ben, as he finished a little early because he was licking everything in defiance of the new hand washing routine! He was licking tables, walls, pencils, attempting to lick members of staff- it would be hilarious if it wasn't so dangerous.

So I had him home a few days while Amelia was still in school and she was furious! My friend who picks her up for me 3 days a week so I can be on time for Ben, had had to be relieved from duty because being in the playground just wasn't safe for her with her own health concerns. So a lot of change. Then on the Friday schools closed for all children, except for those whose parents are both key workers. So if someone has a non-keyworker job they are expected to work from home and have their kids with them.

All well and good and reasonably fair? Well, kind of. Except for a few inconvenient facts. These are just the ones that occur to me right now, it's by no means a full list:

• All the parents that are not key workers are also not teachers (otherwise, y'know, they'd be key workers). So we now have untrained people trying to teach. It's hard and I dislike it (even when it's not hard)
• Most parents have other responsibilities and aspirations than home schooling their kids, e.g. work, study, life goals, well being needs, church responsibilities, care for family members, running a household
• Kids are not allowed in supermarkets, in fact with varying degrees of enforcement your shopping trips are one person per household. And they take forever because you have to queue to get in, queue around a one way system, and queue for a till. So in a household where one or both adults are key workers, and they are still working outside of the home, it's a tightrope act trying to get food into your home
• My kids and I are going through a period of anxiety, uncertainty, massive change, stifling of most desires, and isolation from our normal support and friendship networks. These kids are in no fit state to learn most days
• There are hundreds of thousands of children who have severe special needs, and I for one have very little idea how to provide the specialist teaching and therapies that my son needs. And there is very little support available, Ben really isn't getting any support other than a pack of  maths worksheets each week, and one Zoom call with his whole class that he hasn't been able to participate in so far for various reasons.
• This is a time where you can't just ring most places and set up appointments, solutions, fixes, advice etc. If you need something and you can't work it out or get it yourself, you're going to go through a LOT of hassle, answer machine messages, emails and maybes before you get to the bottom of it. And add to that two small persons who need your attention all day, and you're basically screwed- nothing is getting sorted.
• My house is a mess- I tidy up, kids happen immediately, repeat.
• We can't go anywhere- can't see friends, can't visit anywhere at all, playgrounds are closed even, you're allowed out once a day to exercise, and not allowed to drive somewhere to do that.

Lockdown and social fear

We are now going into our 9th week since schools closed. The mandated lockdown came a few days later, but with two autistic children the close of school was when lockdown started for us, in practical terms. I remember the day before schools closed (it was a Thursday) and Ben was already home because his behaviour was causing a health and safety risk. So of course I had to take him with me to bring Amelia to school, and on the way back we crossed paths with friend-couple. I can vividly remember the conversation, explaining why he wasn't in school, what he had been up to, making it into a funny story so they would laugh and not feel bad for us. And I can vividly remember standing uncomfortably far apart. Probably more than 2 metres actually. I remember being afraid, not wanting to get to close, not wanting to share air. I remember Ben going off ahead while I was talking and feeling terrified that he would get too close to someone, so I finished the conversation quickly and ran after him.

And this was before lockdown even started! I was in the playground twice a day still. The level of  my anxiety has fluctuated, but it hasn't ever dipped lower than that day: 9 WEEKS AGO. I am, and many many people are, in a perpetual state of vigilance, and kind of alarm. And shock. I think I feel this at home too, not just outdoors, and that doesn't make sense, but just happens automatically.

I just wonder what the long term impact is going to be of all this stress. Many are putting on brave faces now, refusing to hear any negativity, some actively shutting it down, almost competing subconsciously to see who can stay the most positive and learn the most lessons from lockdown. But when the dust all settles, and people start to feel the feelings they have been hiding from, how will the anxiety, the solitude, and the boredom affect us medium term and long term?

What if there isn't actually a 'meaning' and we all just have to face that. That it's just the result of living in an imperfect world, and we have lost hundred of thousands of lives for no reason. That our grief isn't beautiful or meaningful, it's just painful. That our sacrifices actually were reluctant, and weren't gratefully received (by government, or by at-risk group from what I've been hearing) either. And worst of all, that we tried so hard and hurt ourselves mentally or emotionally trying to isolate, and then we just couldn't keep it going long enough to save life.

This is the rabbit hole of my social fear! Not much has changed for me since Johnson relaxed the lockdown on Tuesday, because from the way he was speaking it didn't sound to me like things are safer now, it sounded more like he knew people were getting bored and poor. And I got the impression that was the reason why work was being encouraged to restart and schools to reopen within a couple of weeks. And that gave me no comfort or confidence at all.

Lockdown projects

We are in a very odd time in history at the moment. A huge proportion of the developed world is in a self-isolating lockdown because of a global pandemic. There is a new Corona virus called Covid-19 which is spreading like wildfire, so we have been legally required to remain home for 7 weeks now. People can't work outside the home unless they are key workers, and you are not allowed to meet people outside your household. Parks and playgrounds have been closed, all leisure facilities and restaurants have had mandatory closing, school has been closed for almost 8 weeks (they have remained as a childcare facility for children who do not have a parent who is not a key worker. Mother's Day and Easter have come and gone without being able to see family. It's just been bizarre.

There was this assumption at the beginning that we were all going to have so much more free time. That really doesn't happen when you have children! Especially as D is a key worker and has still been in the office. But it's very fashionable at the moment to have a list of new hobbies you've been working on during lockdown. So here's mine:

• Catching up on Covid-19 news during breakfast but pretending I'm checking out today's school assignments. Amelia's school send the lesson materials to an app on my phone, so this works great. (I can't let Amelia know if I'm checking the news because she wants to hear details, but to be honest it's pretty bleak and sometimes grisly, so I have to carefully choose what and when I tell her)
• Finding creative ways to go to the loo alone. These include setting the kids up with snacks, casually leaving the catnip spray on the table, and waiting until they are both out the front on their scooters. There is ALWAYS an Amazon/Royal Mail delivery.
• A rather halfhearted plan to watch all the Marvel films in chronological order, since we now have Disney+. This idea lasted all of 30 seconds.

Ok here's the genuine list:

• Getting to a decent stage of piano playing. I got a couple of new music books for Christmas which are both showtunes, so that's been a fab incentive.
• Getting back into writing. I actually entered a poetry competition for the first time since high school.
• I crocheted a uni-kitty for Amelia. And haven't felt any desire to pick up a hook since!
• I have a little journalism project on the go about people's responses to the lockdown. It started as an idea for the key workers, since we have so many people classed as key workers who have been carrying on in harm's way while a lot of people have been paid to be home off work. I don't think we as a society realise how many people have been keeping our lives going.
• I've done a bit more reading, read a great sci-fi novel by Blake Crouch called Incursion. It really captured me and showed me what a writer can do if you just go for it, no lingering or fussing.
• A few theatre companies have been publishing shows and plays on youtube for people to watch for free during lockdown. Most notably the National Theatre and Andrew Lloyd Webber. This has been fun and a very positive social experience for me as I've been able to talk to people about theatre who I have never been to a show with.

A voice

Give me a shout if you read this post.

It's been literally years and I feel like I need to put something out to the world. I have changed, and I have things to say :) I'm just wondering, after all this time, if this is a place where anyone is still listening??